6 More Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Getting Engaged
If you clicked on this article, there’s a chance that means you’re in a relationship, and that you’re starting to think about the long term view of where you’d like things to go. Perhaps you’re discussing engagement with your partner. If so, congratulations! Moving forward in relationships is an exciting endeavor - and one I’m a personal fan of. However, as a licensed mental health therapist who’s seen firsthand what can happen when couples jump the gun, I believe marriage is certainly not something to be taken lightly, or on a whim. Hopefully, these questions will give you and your partner a good start at taking a look at some of the bigger picture questions before approaching the conversation of engagement.
1. What does marriage mean to each of us?
This is quite a broad but important question to discuss. Individuals do tend to answer this question differently based on several factors including their worldview and personal history. Some things to consider about the meaning of marriage: is it a lifelong commitment? Is it more of a formality? Is it a practical financial decision? Are there times when we would consider divorce? What does it mean if we answer these questions differently? What did our individual family backgrounds teach us about the meaning of marriage? I anticipate this might be a longer conversation of its own, AND it’s certainly a worthwhile one.
2. What are our expectations for sex?
Individuals can sometimes enter into marriage with a lot of assumptions. A specific area where I see this is often with expectations around sex and intimacy. Folks will begin with their own idealized picture of what intimacy will entail, often to be caught off guard or surprised if things look different than they imagined. Specific questions I’d encourage you to ask: How frequently do we want to be trying to connect through sex? Who will be the primary initiator? Are there cues we want to give each other to initiate? Is there anything related to intimacy that is off-limits for either of us? What is our “rain check” policy? Though there are MANY more elements to this conversation, hopefully some of those points will help facilitate an open dialogue with your partner around expectations.
3. If/When would we consider counseling?
As a counselor myself, I am certainly biased in the idea that I believe EVERYONE should receive counseling at some point in their lives (individually and with their partner/spouse). I am also aware, however, that due to several factors, not everyone holds this same belief. Regardless, have the conversation with your partner about the idea of therapy as a resource to strengthen your relationship. Ask yourselves if you would invest in premarital counseling to enrich your marriage before it starts. Or maybe you’d be on board with marriage check-ups every 5 years or so. Or maybe you’d like to commit to long-term individual therapy. Or maybe counseling is something only reserved for times when your relationship is experiencing major issues and perhaps you feel you’re unable to resolve them on your own. The good news is that therapy comes in many shapes and sizes, and I encourage you to feel empowered in your decisions around the idea of receiving professional support.
4. What are your non-negotiables?
Everyone has specific sensitivities that touch on sore spots/wounds from past experiences, and sometimes close relationships can have a way of pushing every button and bothering us. To a more extreme degree, couples should be openly discussing any non-negotiable expectations for marriage, and I’d recommend this be a conversation that happens sooner rather than later. Some common things that I’ve seen in conversations about non-negotiables tend to surround expectations around behavior such as infidelity, alcohol/drug use, lying, financial transparency, domestic violence, spirituality/religion, and parenting, just to name a few. Hear what your partner has to say, and ask them why they landed on these non-negotiables. Talk about what steps will need to be taken if any of your lines are crossed, and respect your partner’s point of view.
5. Where do you want to live?
It might go without saying, but I’m hoping I can assume part of the engagement process involves conversations around where you’ll be living/working. Depending on lots of factors, this conversation can either be a no-brainer or a bit of a challenge. Factors I encourage you to consider include feelings about being near family/friends, your ideal type of neighborhood, general location, and proximity to certain resources (i.e. near a city, grocery stores, hospitals, etc). It’s also an important discussion to have if your families/friends do not live near each other! This is a conversation that should also involve a larger discussion about your family values (see my previous article for more on this) because we should certainly choose where to live based on elements/values that mean the most to us.
6. How will we divide labor in our house?
Here’s another area of discussion where there tend to be a LOT of unspoken expectations and perhaps a LOT of disappointment when marriage comes. The division of labor is something that holds a lot of potential to bring couples closer together as a team OR potential to cause quite a bit of strife. An important thing to remember as you engage in this discussion with your partner is to try to be gracious if their expectations for division of labor do not align with yours, and to remember they came from a totally different family and - even if your families of origin looked very similar on paper - they still grew up with different norms and customs, and that’s something that’s bound to contribute to their ideas for division of labor.
A great way to get this conversation started is with the Fair Play card deck! Have a date night and go through the cards and talk about who will be responsible for the many different tasks within your daily lives. Also stay open minded about discussions surrounding the more invisible parts of labor, and allow yourselves permission to let this be a “first draft” of your division of labor that can be changed over time as your family’s needs change.
Keep the conversation going with your partner with more questions as you prepare for the big step into marriage, and try to have fun with it!
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7 Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Getting Engaged
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4 Reasons to Invest in Premarital Counseling
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Written by: Mickayla Waldhauser, LGPC
Mickayla Waldhauser, LGPC offers pre-marital couples counseling services using the Prepare Enrich Program. If you and your partner are looking for educational content and skills to help you prepare for your future marriage, Mickayla is happy to help.
