Boundaries: A Key Aspect of Healthy Relationships and Protecting Your Peace
Setting a boundary with someone means clearly communicating the limitations and rules of your relationship with them. Typically, your personal boundaries will stem from your values and experiences. Communicating and asserting your boundaries in your relationships serves as an active form of self-care, and self-care isn’t always easy. While setting a boundary might start an uncomfortable conversation, the power and confidence of saying “no” is an important skill in fostering healthy relationships (with others and with yourself!).
Incorporating Boundaries into All of Your Relationships
Boundaries in your personal relationships can cover several different domains (time, physical touch, emotional, etc.). For instance, you might need to schedule time together or apart from a partner. Physical boundaries can take place in all types of relationships, whether that be platonic, romantic, or sexual. You might need to set an emotional boundary with a friend if you do not have the mental space or energy to hold their struggles on top of your own. It is important to understand that by setting a boundary, you are not communicating that you do not love, respect, or care about the people in your life. Instead, setting a boundary is simply about being open and honest about your need to protect and prioritize your own peace.
How can I set a boundary?
The first step of setting a boundary with someone is to understand what your values are. What makes you feel safe in a relationship? What kinds of things are important to you? Maybe you really need a full night’s sleep and some time alone to function. Maybe timeliness is really important to you, and you feel disrespected when your partner shows up late to almost all of your scheduled dates. Once you know what really matters to you (both in and outside of your relationships), you can start thinking about the ways that you could get your needs met through setting a boundary. What would need to happen for you to stop feeling disrespected in your relationship? What would help you not to feel overwhelmed at your job?
Once you have clearly defined these expectations, you need to make sure you communicate them with the people in your life. Using “I” statements can be a great way to preface your boundaries. For instance, you might say “I feel disrespected when you don’t arrive on time. In the future, I would really appreciate it if we could stick to the originally scheduled date and time for our dates. I really value getting to spend quality time with you, but if you are running late again, I won’t be able to wait any longer than 10 minutes.”
What if someone in my life doesn’t respect my boundaries?
While boundaries sound great in theory and there are many people who will always respect your boundaries, there are unfortunately many people who do not understand or respect when someone sets boundaries with them. It can be particularly difficult for someone to wrap their head around your newly established boundaries, especially when they themselves have only ever experienced relationships with poor boundaries. With this being said, it is important to know that just because someone in your life does not respect your boundaries, that does not mean that you should also not respect your boundaries. Remind yourself that you worked hard to establish these boundaries for a reason, and that if the people in your life are unable to work with your boundaries, you still need to maintain them! For example, this means that if your partner still does not show up on time, you stop waiting for them after 10 minutes. If your boss or coworker sends you an email after 6 PM, you do not respond until the next time you are on the clock. Maintaining these boundaries is difficult and sometimes, you might feel guilty about doing it. However, remember that you never need to feel guilty about taking care of yourself.
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Written by: Jerrica Robertson, LifeSpring Intern
Jerrica Robertson is a graduate student at Towson University who is interning at LifeSpring Counseling Services. Jerrica has experience working on a trauma unit, and she has previously worked in a role as Sex Educator.
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Date of Download: 9/13/2023
