The Power of Softness: A Lesson from Tai Chi on Mood Regulation
Have you ever seen groups of seniors practicing Tai chi in the park early in the morning? It has been one of the most nostalgic moments for me ever since I moved to the U.S. three years ago. Tai chi is an internal Chinese martial art practiced for defense training, health benefits, and meditation. Of course, with its increasing popularity, Tai chi is no longer limited to the Chinese community today.
In my childhood, I used to practice Tai chi, getting up at five in the morning and learning from a senior gentleman in the neighborhood. In high school, we were required to practice Tai chi together at a certain time after class for daily physical exercise. Now, decades after, as a mental health counselor, I continue to benefit from Tai chi, physically and mentally.
Someone who watches Tai chi practice for the first time may be shocked by how slow and soft Tai chi looks. That's right. The most powerful principle in Tai chi is called “overcoming hardness with softness.”
How can one overcome hardness with softness?
Imagine a tightly clenched fist targeted on your chest. It is coming! Right now! You open one hand, thus showing a most vulnerable part of your body -- the palm, and the hand moves toward the fist. The hand meets with the fist and then moves with the fist. For a while, the hand holds the fist and keeps the contact. It moves with the fist so smoothly as if it completely surrenders its strength and has no agenda of its own. Then the hand keeps moving with the fist with just a little more force, gradually redirecting the fist to the side.
There, you just DISSOLVED an attack.
“It is so hard to fight against negative feelings!!!" In therapy, I often hear clients saying that. They kick, they hit, they push and push and push, and eventually they are exhausted and defeated. At that moment, I would imagine the said negative feeling as a fist, coming to the client as a really, really fast and heavy blow. And the client, feeling threatened, responded with -- a really, really fast and heavy blow. Bang!
What about responding with an open hand? What if, instead of forcing a stop, you move with the momentum? What if the hand embraces the fist and gently dissolves the force?
What if you used the power of softness?
In the case of unwanted feelings, I invite my clients to imagine the heart as an opening hand. Let the heart notice the coming of the feeling (the fist), validate the depth of the feeling, move with the feeling where it is going, and hold the feeling for a while before gently directing the force away. There you go—completion of a Tai chi defense.
Initially, some clients find it hard to practice this softening technique, especially those who tend to use force against force, and use violence to calm violence. It is hard to trust that a softening technique can tame the most violent demon in one’s mind (I guess it has to do with a bunch of superhero movies, which enjoy giving the violence-against-violence solutions). A client used to tell me, “If I respond with softness, I will look weak and make the negative feelings even more powerful!”
However, the more my clients practice Tai chi with unwanted feelings, the more they begin to trust the power of softness. "It is ok to feel depressed." The client, who worried about being weak, now began to feel more comfortable speaking softly with the demon. "It is not a demon. It is a startled kid,” she says.
Exactly. Trusting the power of softness not only helps dissolve unwanted feelings but also brings up positive experiences including compassion, care, and peace. Moreover, through practice, our mind creates a safer space to hold unwanted feelings.
Next time when you see people practicing Tai chi, you might begin to understand its increasing popularity —the power of softness is irresistible.
Search Our Other Blogs!
Interested in Counseling for Emotional Regulation?
If you’re a Marylander who knows that counseling is the direction you need to take, the therapists at LifeSpring Counseling Services are here to help. We offer online counseling services for mindfulness, depression, anxiety, trauma, and grief and loss. We also offer Brainspotting as a specialized service, and Brainspotting can be done online, too!
Here’s how you can get started! Online counseling for emotional regulation isn’t the only service offered at our Maryland office
The counselors and social workers at our Maryland office also offer counseling services for trauma, grief and loss, boundary setting, communication skills, and difficult life transitions. We also offer specialized counseling services including Brainspotting and spiritually-integrated counseling. Because we are located next to several local universities, we also work with college students and international students.
Written by: Si Meng, LGPC
Si is a licensed therapist at LifeSpring Counseling Services in Maryland who specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, life transitions, and mood disorders. She offers multicultural and bilingual services in both English and Mandarin.
Photo Credit: Liliana Drew and Andrea Piacquadio
Date of download: 9/2/2022
