Re-Examine Independence and Embrace Healthy Dependency
“I hate that I want someone. Can’t I just be ok being alone?, ” a client of mine used to complain about her “being so needy”. In therapy, it was not uncommon to hear people feeling ashamed about needing someone. – In that sense, my client was not alone. Even among mental health practitioners, early training on mental wellness heavily emphasized independence – you are responsible for what you feel, no one else.
Depathologizing “dependence”
Granted, your partner is not responsible for making you happy/sad, yet is it true that you will be a complete failure if you allow others to impact your mental wellness? Not at all. It only proves that you are human. As studies on adult attachment expanded our understanding of human relationships, the myth of independence has been re-examined in the mental health field in the past decades.
In the past, people were told that they were only mentally healthy if they were emotionally independent. Nowadays, studies and practitioners say that no one is an island and that true resilience comes from healthy dependency and strong social support.
Relationship, the best antidepressant.
Lately, I attended training on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) – a therapy that heavily invests in healthy dependency in intimate relationships. In training, I learned that emotional co-regulation is 20 times faster than regulating your emotions alone. It means that a loved one's reassurance, warm words, or a trusted friend's hugs help soothe our difficult emotions 20 times faster than self-soothing.
Humans are not created to deal with hardship alone. Knowing that we are not alone, that someone is there for us, has survival meaning for human beings. In relationships, we constantly check in with our loved ones to make sure that we are safe. When you ask your partner if they remembered to pick up milk on their way home, what you really were asking was: “Are you there for me? Do I matter to you?”
Sue Johnson, founder of EFT, often says that relationships are the best antidepressant. Perceived partner responsiveness (PPR), the extent to which individuals believe that their romantic partners care about, understand, and validate their thoughts and feelings, is a crucial part of our relationship strength and mental wellness.
Relationships are particularly powerful in healing trauma. Studies on trauma tell us that it is not the traumatic events but the fact that the person had to experience the event alone that causes deep pain. In other words, crying together can be therapeutic, but crying alone is traumatic.
Resources to strengthen your relationship
Martin Seligman, founder of Positive Psychology, former president of the American Psychological Association, discussed in his book Authentic Happiness that people who enjoy authentic happiness have the ability of being loved.
Really? What does it take to be able to receive love? You call it an ability? Yes. To receive love, one must be brave enough to admit that they depend on others, clearly articulate their request for love, recognize and teach others their love languages, communicate expectations and gratitude, allow imperfection and flexibility, compromise, empower…
With the ability to receive love, one becomes increasingly in tune with their own needs and more resourceful and capable of meeting those needs through their support system.
“Not Alone,” is the title of Sophie Araque-Liu’s doodle work, which won this year’s Doodle for Google contest. To complete the sentence “I care for myself by…”, Sophie wrote, “I care for myself by accepting others’ care for me.” This 16-year-old high school student reminds me of a client who once talked about his same-age daughter and asked me: “Are human beings becoming more fragile than the older generations?" My sense is, we are becoming more aware of what it means to be human.
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Interested in Counseling for Mindfulness, Growth, and Interpersonal Relationships?
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The counselors and social workers at our Maryland office also offer counseling services for trauma, grief and loss, boundary setting, communication skills, and difficult life transitions. We also offer specialized counseling services including Brainspotting and spiritually-integrated counseling. Because we are located next to several local universities, we also work with college students and international students.
Written by: Si Meng, LGPC
Si is a licensed therapist at LifeSpring Counseling Services in Maryland who specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, life transitions, and mood disorders. She offers multicultural and bilingual services in both English and Mandarin.
Photo Credit: Lindsay Braman and Sophie Araque-Liu
Date of download: 9/9/2022
