Self-Identity Begins With Self-Talk
Audre Lorde once stated, “Nothing I accept about myself can be used against me to diminish me.” As one begins to unveil the true meaning of self-identity, it cannot be ignored that the power of positive self-talk messages can change and challenge, if one is open to trying to catch it in the right moment.
To some degree, each of us are yearning to seize the right moment. We want to feel validated; we want to be happy, and we want our lives to have meaning. However, when studying self-identity, I have come to understand that it is not so much of what I think about myself as much as it is about how I feel about myself. In other words, my feelings become the truth of my reality. It is in this reality that the conscious mind creates systematic beliefs, and our cognitive distortions confirm them. The most telling part of beliefs is that they can be irrational and still have the fortitude for one to buy into it as fact. Albert Ellis reemphasized this when he suggested that “irrational demands” lead people to become more dilapidated and psychologically disturbed (Ellis, 1993, p. 200).
A couple of questions may be 1) What is self-identity? and 2) What are cognitive distortions? According to Google, by definition, self-identity is not only about the understanding of oneself but also how a person sees themselves within their social context/construct(s). This can be a double-edged sword for many, as we try to secure ourselves in our personhood and find emptiness because we have no idea of who we are outside of the many roles that we play. Somehow, our way of being became entangled with the idea that external perceptions trump our personal feelings about who we are. I believe that self-identity was meant to provide clarity about the value of our existence which pulls us in the right direction to discover self-fulfillment. As for cognitive distortions, they are captious voices that play in our mind to make us question our goodness, our values and true selves. Much like positive words permeate our mind, body and spirit, to provide hope, cognitive distortions come to wreak havoc on the little hope that we have left in trusting that something is better on the other side. It is in these moments that we forget that it is not the perception of others, but we (ourselves) that we’ve been waiting for.
Part of discovering the remedy about self-talk is to conclude that I will not only track those things that are meant to destroy myself, but I must also be vigilant about how these thoughts serve me. If my thoughts are utilized in a way that is meant to uplift me, it is likely that one will be able to best equip themselves with more positive self-talk messages. Just as much as negative self-talk messages create cognitive distortions, polarities can work in our favor if we choose to embrace them. In other words, if I decide that I will think more reflectively and kindly to myself, it is likely that I will obtain more grace and create space for me to sift through unnecessary thoughts about my personhood. The more that I track my irrational thoughts and ask myself tough questions about how they are helpful or how they make me feel, the more that I can dispel them.
The power of believing in something can create a world that is joyful, hopeful and sustainable. Many of us are looking to see what will bring happiness in life or maybe the opposite, maybe the aversion of happiness has tipped-toed far too often into our mindset. Whichever we decide to subscribe to, I think it is important that we ask ourselves a few important questions:
1. Am I giving myself grace? And if the answer is no, why?
2. The why is, would I give grace to someone I loved? And if the answer is yes, why?
3. Why not you? Why not me?
It is in the disintegration of our irrational thoughts that provide the true answers of what we deserve to think about ourselves. Grace is a gift that is unmerited. One of the closing remarks that I provide to my clients is, “Grace to yourself. Peace to yourself. Love to yourself. Patience to yourself. Self-compassion to yourself, as you are navigating, and recognizing that you are evolving, and transforming into a version of yourself that you long to be proud of.” I hope you will give that gift to yourself by recognizing that I can still care for others without diminishing my own needs, that I can create healthy boundaries to honor me, and that my self-identity is predicated on how I choose to see the truth about me. Your goodness is not determined by how you give to others at your own detriment, but rather how you give your complete best to yourself first so that you can give the best to others second. I hope that you will choose yourself today, knowing that you are lacking in nothing.
Peace, love and light.
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Written by: Dereka Ross, LCPC
Dereka is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who offers counseling services to adults and adolescents throughout Maryland to help them address trauma, self-identity, and grief and loss, and navigate their spirituality through pastoral counseling at our Maryland office.
