Maybe It’s Time to Show Yourself a Little Self-Compassion
Everyone makes mistakes, but after the event, some of us continue to think about what we could have done better. We beat ourselves up about small things.
If you find that you are your own worst critic — harder on yourself than others — maybe, it’s time to show a little self-compassion.
What Is Self-Compassion and Why Is It So Hard?
We seem to be able to offer others, even strangers, compassion when times are tough. Why is it so hard to be kind to ourselves when we’re struggling? Some people think, “If I am not hard on myself, I will never get things done.” Others might say, “Self-compassion is self-indulgence, or selfishness.”
Many people think self-compassion means we give ourselves a pass for everything mistake we make. That’s not it.
Self-compassion means that we offer ourselves the same message of comfort and understanding that we might offer a friend who is going through the same ordeal.
Dr. Kristin Neff has done a lot of research and writing about self-compassion. She identified three components of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. You can read more about her findings at www.self-compassion.org.
The Argument For Self-Compassion
I’d argue that if we don’t take care of our own emotional well-being, we’ll have a hard time helping others when things get tough. If we’re struggling emotionally, or are frustrated with ourselves or constantly self-critical, it’s hard to give balanced support to someone else.
Self-Kindness
Self-kindness means that if we’re feeling fearful, or sad, or angry, or we’re questioning our behavior, we offer ourselves words of kindness instead of criticism.
We imagine what we might say to a good friend who is suffering and then offer those same words to ourselves. We’re not minimizing our feelings and behaviors. We’re acknowledging that we’re humans and we don’t always get things right.
Common Humanity
When times are tough — maybe you’re feeling anxious, depressed, or just having a bad day — if you can remind yourself that everyone has bad days, that everyone struggles, it can ease the intensity in that moment. And knowing you’re not alone can help to reduce feelings of anxiety and depression.
Mindfulness
When we’re going over and over a past mistake or a difficult experience, we often get stuck in the “what ifs,” or “if onlys.” We rehash and ruminate over what we could have done differently.
Through mindfulness you can come back to the present moment— with mindful breathing and grounding techniques. Each time those worrying thoughts emerge you come back to what’s here, right now, in this moment. The sun coming into the room. The clock ticking on the wall. The smell of the earth.
Instead of the constant worry about the past or future, you become accustomed to allowing what is happening in this moment. This can help reduce negative thinking, ruminating, and rehashing.
Dr. Neff describes mindfulness as “a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.”
How To Move Forward With Self-Compassion
Through research, a self-compassion practice has been shown to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression, increase feelings of connectedness with ourself and others, and builds emotional resilience.
As you practice self-compassion you can begin to accept your imperfections and those around you, helping you to feel more compassionate overall.
We’re all human, and humans occasionally struggle. When we learn to accept the ups and downs in life as a part of our human experience, instead of as a reflection of who we are, we’re more able to handle whatever comes next.
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Written by: Elizabeth Cush, LCPC
Elizabeth is a licensed clinical professional counselor, a women’s life coach, and business owner in Annapolis, MD. She’s also the host of the Awaken Your Wise Woman podcast. As a life coach, she helps midlife women, who feel overwhelmed and unfulfilled, embrace and embody their inner wise woman so that they can fully enjoy the beautiful life they’ve created.
You can connect with Elizabeth Cush at the following places:
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