7 Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Getting Engaged
If you clicked on this article, there’s a chance that means you’re in a relationship, and that you’re starting to think about the long term view of where you’d like things to go. Perhaps you’re discussing engagement with your partner. If so, congratulations! Moving forward in relationships is an exciting endeavor - and one I’m a personal fan of. However, as a licensed mental health therapist who’s seen firsthand what can happen when couples jump the gun, I believe marriage is certainly not something to be taken lightly, or on a whim. Hopefully, these questions will give you and your partner a good start at taking a look at some of the bigger picture questions before approaching the conversation of engagement.
Big picture questions to ask before you and your partner get engaged
1. What are your core values in life?
Personally, this is one I’d ask my partner as early as possible (besides on the first date). It’s very common for couples to have different personalities, different styles, or different interests. It is important, however, to agree with your partner about major core values in life. Talking to a counselor can help give you space to hold this conversation and intentionally sit down together and discover what means the most to you in life. Our actions should ultimately align with our core values, which is why it’s important to be on the same page when discussing the possibility of joining lives.
2. Are we both committed to putting in the hard work to make a healthy marriage that will last us a lifetime?
Take some time to get real with one another about the realities of the investment it takes to make marriage work. Knowing for sure that both partners are open to gaining support from outside sources when needed or desired can be the thing that facilitates good work when the time comes.
3. Are there any topics we’ve been avoiding discussing in our relationship out of fear of disagreeing or feeling incompatible?
What’s the elephant in the room? Perhaps there’s something in your relationship that came up early on and caused some tension or discomfort. Perhaps you retreated after that and never revisited the topic out of fear that it would ruin the relationship. Major differences in political views or religious views, boundaries with family, and exes are some common examples I’ve seen. I’ll be the one to say - you’ve got to acknowledge it. Get to know your partner’s experience, their inner world, their point of view. Take space to share yours, and just have the conversation(s). It’s much less painful and uncomfortable to address major sensitive topics before you’ve made a lifelong commitment to someone than to approach the subject years into a marriage. An added benefit is that you’ll get to know even more about your partner’s inner world and have a chance to show and receive love, even if your conversations include questioning compatibility.
4. What kind of boundaries do we need around and within our relationship?
Sort of like the borders between states, boundaries are lines in place that show where one thing ends and another begins. Similarly, as a couple looking into marriage, your relationship will have boundaries. Ask your partner what sorts of boundaries they see a need for, to protect the relationship and keep it healthy. Some areas I’d recommend discussing are in-laws, friends, work, hobbies, technology, opposite sex friends, pornography, and communication. If this conversation in particular brings up some emotions, that’s normal. It’s also normal to invite in the outside perspective of a therapist to help you navigate this more challenging question.
5. Where do we both stand on having children?
I’m guessing this is a question that doesn’t feel out of the blue for most couples, but some readers might be surprised at how often I’ll be speaking with a client and hear “I never really thought about where I stand on having children.” If this is you, it’s very understandable to be unsure about your answer. I’d recommend having several open conversations with your partner about all things family planning. Do we both want kids? If not, is that a deal breaker? What’s our plan for birth control? If so, what is our rough/ideal timeline? What is our ideal family size? How do we feel about adoption? How would we approach infertility? As I mentioned before, use this as an opportunity to meet your partner with empathy and ask about their dreams for their life hidden within their position.
6. Where do we stand with finances?
This is a great opportunity to have your first ever family business meeting! Take some time to sit in front of your computer and look at individual incomes, debts, and assets. However, this is also a much larger conversation than mere numbers. This is a time to ask your partner what their plans are for finances in marriage, their spending/saving habits, what financial values they bring to the table, and their ideal lifestyle (for example: does our ideal lifestyle include travel, higher education, a large family, business, luxury, stability, generosity, etc). Also ask yourselves if your finances will be separate or joined into one account.
7. What are our love languages?
Asking this question will help you know your partner much better and help your efforts of showing affection for them go a long way. Dr. Gary Chapman founded the concept of the 5 Love Languages which are Gifts, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation. As the 5 Love Languages website puts it:
“Different people with different personalities give and receive love in different ways. By learning to recognize these preferences in yourself and in your loved ones, you can learn to identify the root of your conflicts, connect more profoundly, and truly begin to grow closer.”
You can access the free quiz on their website here.
If you found any of these questions challenging, that’s ok! Just be proud of yourself and your partner for doing the hard work of opening up the larger conversation around engagement and marriage. If you found these questions helpful, let us know which ones brought up the most dialogue between you and your partner. And, if you’re noticing the need for some further work around preparing for marriage, I would highly recommend thinking about including premarital counseling into your engagement season.
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Interested in Premarital Counseling Services for Relationship Strengthening?
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Here’s how you can get started! Premarital counseling for communication skills and conflict aren’t the only services offered at our Baltimore County, MD office.
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Written by: Mickayla Waldhauser, LGPC
Mickayla Waldhauser, LGPC offers pre-marital couples counseling services using the Prepare Enrich Program. If you and your partner are looking for educational content and skills to help you prepare for your future marriage, Mickayla is happy to help.
