When The Holiday Hurts
I remember growing up and being excited for holidays. My mom was always so careful to make sure my brother and I had everything we wanted, all carefully wrapped in perfect bows under the tree. Holidays growing up were a special time where we could come together as a family and share in the love, joy, hope and peace the season brings. I look back fondly over the childhood memories of Thanksgiving and Christmas, but recently, I’ve noticed a crack in the rose colored glasses I’ve fought hard to protect.
The truth is I built up expectations of what a holiday should feel and look like. Growing up in a high control religion, holidays were always special. You go to church on Christmas Eve and sometimes Christmas Day to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. You stand in awe of the miracle of the virgin birth, knowing that he was sent to die for our sins. Without him, we would be destined to live a life separated from him and for that you are indebted to him. When I started deconstructing my religion, holidays began to develop a different meaning. It’s hard to separate yourself from a way of life you dedicated 30 years to, it’s easy to feel lonely and hopeless without the support of your family or loved ones. I try to imagine what the holiday will feel like, I hold on to the hope that I will experience the “Christmas Magic” but each year, the holidays come and go, and I’m left feeling emptier knowing that the love I receive is conditioned.
Holidays are a time of joy for some, while others find it difficult to navigate. Take it from someone who is still learning how to navigate difficult conversations and uncomfortable situations surrounding the holidays. One thing I have learned is that you can make the holidays special and meaningful to you. Setting boundaries with parents and other family members can be challenging, but sometimes it is necessary to allow yourself the time and space to heal. Last Easter, my best friend and our partners rented a beach house. It was completely out of the norm to spend a religious holiday away from my family, but in all honesty, it was what I desperately needed to heal. For the first time, I was able to experience things I’ve stopped myself from experiencing in the past. We bought a couple of kites, headed out to the ocean and spent the day enjoying the wonder of being a kid. I spent the holiday exactly how I wanted to spend it, surrounded by people who love me without conditions.
Holidays may be difficult, but the traditions you had as a kid can be rewritten. I don’t know about you, but I get stuck in this mindset “ I have to do it this way because this is how it’s always been done,” but why? Who says our holidays have to look a certain way? Who says we have to place ourselves in situations that induce feelings of sadness and harm? What if we rewrote our traditions to make them meaningful to us and the people we love?
Here are some helpful things to keep in mind:
You are in control of your life.
The traditions of your childhood served a purpose, but it may be time to start new traditions.
Set boundaries with family members and friends who may not give the love you deserve
Develop new traditions with your “chosen” family
Give yourself grace and compassion when the guilt starts creeping in
Plan a trip or “skip” a holiday
Surround yourself with people who love and support you
Acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself the space to heal
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Written by: Ali Miller, Counseling Intern
Ali Miller is a counseling intern at LifeSpring Counseling Services who is passionate about supporting people who have experienced religious trauma or who have been negatively impacted by purity culture.
