Three Common Thoughts and Beliefs That Contribute to Holiday Stress
Holidays are generally associated with family and friends gathering. For many, it is a time for love and connection. However, in reality, it is inevitable to experience ups and downs throughout one’s life. And as we all know, life does not have a schedule for happy/painful moments.
As the holiday season approaches, many people notice that this particular time can be hard to get through. Sometimes, it seems as though the warm and cheerful holiday atmosphere only makes it worse–reminding us what we have been eagerly trying to forget.
Some are reminded of unsolved traumas related to family members or previous relationships; some feel disheartened by current family conflicts. Is it possible to create meaningful times and even enjoy the holiday season in spite of the past and present pains? I think a good start is to reexamine some beliefs that hold us back.
Examining Thoughts & Beliefs That Hold Us Back
“I’m supposed to be happy.”
It might sound ironic, but I’m sure many people can relate to this. A lot of times, it is not what “is” but “what is supposed to be” that causes our struggles.
When it comes to the holiday season, we tend to believe that this is “supposed” to be a time that one feels happy, loved, warm, etc. Yet, if you don’t feel those feelings, or you don't feel those feelings to the “supposed to” extent, you get frustrated–what is “supposed” to happen did not happen.
The truth is, feelings reveal our deepest needs and they don’t show up just because they are “supposed” to show up. It’s just not how they work. You simply feel happy if your important needs at this moment are met.
So, instead of forcing your feelings, give yourself the permission to feel whatever you feel.
“I can never enjoy the holiday season.”
In many cultures, the holiday season is considered a time for families to get together and enjoy shared love and connection. However, family ruptures can become a barrier for family members to feel loved and connected. Some choose to put on a mask to pretend that nothing is wrong, and some choose to distance themselves from certain family members. However, as much as we can to distance ourselves from the pain, the need for love and connection is still there.
Are we destined to this yearly pain if the family rupture will never be fixed? The good news is that the human mind is often more flexible and creative than we think. There are a myriad of ways to create love and connection.
We can start from self-negotiation: If a part of you gets triggered during this time and feels hopeless about receiving love and connection from the family, see if you can kindly negotiate with that part to create some other ways to meet the needs for love and connection.
Some people spend time with friends, some only meet with family members that they feel comfortable with, and some would go for a retreat to celebrate their yearly growth and create connections with new people.
So, focus on becoming more flexible, more resourceful, and more creative in finding love and connection instead of focusing on what is absent and is out of your control.
“Nobody knows how I feel.”
A mixture of feelings can stir up and overwhelm you–anger, frustration, regret, resentment, loneliness, powerlessness… Sometimes it is very difficult to handle a moment like that.
Painful experiences connect people at a deeper level than cheerful ones. The empathy and compassion we can give to ourselves and each other immediately strengthen our tolerance for psychological pain. Through compassion, we can create a corrective experience with ourselves and with others–to know that we are loved and cared about.
So, instead of keeping it to ourselves, focus on strengthening your social support. You might be surprised by how many people can relate to your feelings and experiences.
The holiday season is usually a peak time for people to seek mental health counseling. In counseling, we build a space to unload overwhelming emotions, process specific struggles, learn to heal the wounded younger self, and take steps to repair family ruptures. If this time is tough for you, mental health counseling might be the best self-care gift to give yourself to build more love and connection in this particular time as well as for the next year.
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Written by: Si Meng, LGPC
Si is a licensed therapist at LifeSpring Counseling Services in Maryland who specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, life transitions, and mood disorders. She offers multicultural and bilingual services in both English and Mandarin.
Photo Credit: cottonbro studio, RODNAE Productions, Kha Ruxury, & Uriel Mont
Date of download: 11/11/2022
