Facing the Holidays After a Loss
Although “tis the season to be jolly,” the arrival of the holiday season can be poignantly sad and difficult for those who have experienced grief or loss. Holidays are a time rich in memories and rituals, and the contrast of the present to the past can be overwhelming. For many, things just aren’t the same anymore, hearts aren’t into planning all that needs to be done, and there is an overall feeling of wanting to fast-forward through this time period.
Does the above resonate with you? Are you too facing this season with a heavy heart, observing the general joyful preparations and feeling like withdrawing from it all? Maybe you are grieving or mourning for a loved one, and thinking about someone who won’t be there this year? Maybe there have been changes recently that involve loss of someone or something precious, making you dread the thought of celebrations and festivities? What then might be helpful in considering ways to survive, manage and perhaps even thrive at this time of year?
Using Mindfulness to Address Feelings of Grief & Loss
Take for example, my client Peter*, a sophomore in high school who came to see me some time after his mother had died. A good student, Peter was doing well at school, but felt sad and isolated due to his loss. Talking about his experiences during therapy sessions helped him start to feel a bit better, but as December approached, Peter began telling me how he was dreading the Holidays. As we talked, we thought about ideas that might help make this time of year a little more bearable. I think a good start was the fact that Peter was finally able to voice his feelings and become more conscious that this was a difficult time of year. He could now find words to open up the discussion with other family members about ways to handle the holidays. Peter was then able to plan how he wanted to spend his time and which family rituals he would like to adapt. In his case, Peter found it meaningful and comforting to display a picture of his mother on a prominent shelf in the family living room over Christmas; this way his family’s traditional celebrations were conducted in the visible presence of his mother’s image. Peter also chose, with his family’s approval, to keep things light and spend New Year’s eve over at a friend’s house. Coming to see me after the New Year, Peter surprised himself by saying that, despite his grief, the past two weeks had been enjoyable overall.
So which suggestions might you find helpful? As Peter did, take the time to mindfully name and accept emotions, and reflect and think through perspectives and plans. Think through what will work best for YOU this year, think about what you are feeling, what you want to stay the same this year and what you want to change. Acknowledge emotions and let other trusted family members and friends know what you can and can’t do. Grief is real work, which means giving yourself permission to drop some of the usual expectations and chores. Think about what and who you want to involve and stay true to what feels right for you. One important consideration may be to introduce or change Holiday rituals, as Peter did; for example, memorial candles could be lit in honor of a loved one and placed in a strategic place in the home, or time can be spent reminiscing with family members and telling stories about the past. Giving to others and performing acts of kindness can be uplifting; loved ones can be memorialized through acts of giving such as distributing gifts or donations, or including wording or a poem about the loved one in holiday cards. In general, chores and preparations can be divided among supportive friends or family, and events or activities could be either attended, modified or eliminated this year.
Practice Self-Care and Self-Love this Holiday Season
Overall, remember that besides considering kindness to others, first and foremost you need to be kind to yourself. Thinking through what works for you is not selfish, it is part of self-care and self-compassion, and part of being authentic to yourself and honoring your loss. Grieving has been compared to the tumult of sea waves crashing into each other, for there are times for waves of despair and sadness, but also times bringing waves of contented normalcy and even happiness. Change and loss are inevitable and part of the human condition; however, the human spirit also turns towards life, renewal and hope. You can cherish the timeless love and memories, yet embrace the present and hope for the future. May this season bring comfort and meaning to us all!
*Name and details changed
Search Our Other Blogs!
Interested in Counseling for Grief and Loss?
If you’re a Marylander who knows that counseling is the direction you need to take, the therapists at LifeSpring Counseling Services are here to help. We offer online counseling services for mindfulness, depression, anxiety, trauma, and grief and loss. We also offer Brainspotting as a specialized service, and Brainspotting can be done online, too!
Here’s how you can get started! Online counseling for depression, trauma, grief, and loss are not the only services offered at our Maryland office
The counselors and social workers at our Maryland office also offer counseling services for trauma, grief and loss, boundary setting, communication skills, and difficult life transitions. We also offer specialized counseling services including Brainspotting and spiritually-integrated counseling. Because we are located next to several local universities, we also work with college students and international students.
Written by: Rebecca Lencz, LCPC
