Want a Healthy Relationship? Weed Your Garden.
Gardening and relationships probably aren’t words that typically go together, but if you’ve fallen into certain relationship traps, you just might need to hear this. I talk to so many people who desperately want to have a somebody, but when we start talking about the people in their lives, it becomes abundantly clear that these individuals are not their ideal partners. One of the things that we ultimately end up talking about is needing to weed their garden. So let’s get started to see if you too have fallen into this same trap and need to do some weeding.
The Dating Trap
You’ve fallen into the dating trap if you have been so lonely or hungry for a relationship that you have let the wrong people in. You may have fallen into this trap because of low self-esteem, negative beliefs about yourself, a scarcity mindset, and/or not knowing your own worth. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is recognizing that you’ve been letting the wrong people in and that you have a willingness to make a change.
Who are the “Weeds?”
In this context, the weeds are the relationships that don’t serve us. Weeds creep into our garden, and they choke and kill. They don’t encourage growth or help us to thrive and flourish. You’ve let a weed into your garden if this person:
only comes around when they want or need something (sex, money, favors, etc.)
takes more than they give
doesn’t respect you in the way that they speak or act towards you
ghosts you (perhaps even on multiple occasions)
leaves you hanging by not following through with commitments
makes promises they don’t keep
communicates inconsistently---on their own terms
is nowhere to be found when you need them or try to reach them
These behaviors often leave people feeling unsteady and insecure. Even if you know that there’s something that’s not quite right with these behaviors, you may have found yourself taking these people back into your life time and again. As you’re reading, you might also be realizing that some of the weeds in your life are not limited to the people you’ve been dating. Certain friendships and family relationships can also be weeds that stifle us. If you’re wanting healthy relationships, you’ll have to start weeding people out.
Panic & Scarcity
If you’re like many people that I talk to, the idea of weeding people out creates panic. Even when people know that these individuals are not good for them, panic appears. “If I don’t have this person, then I won’t have anybody!” This is scarcity mindset kicking in. It may seem counterintuitive, but we sometimes have to remove certain people from our circle (or garden) in order to make way for the people you want in your life. If you have weeds taking up space in your garden, there is no room for growth or new, healthy relationships.
Take a deep breath, it’s going to be OK.
You WILL be OK, even if you are alone for a period of time.
Weeding your garden is an act of self-worth and self-respect. If you don’t take care of yourself or respect yourself, nobody else will. When you respect yourself, you’ll attract other people who will do the same.
Get Support
If this message is hitting home, then you know what you need to do. If taking the first step feels too difficult to do alone, get support. Talk to a friend or family member about it. If you’d prefer to share with someone who isn’t a friend or family member, consider working with a counselor or social worker. You’ll get an objective opinion from someone who will support you while making difficult decisions that are for your own well-being.
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Written By: Melissa Wesner, LCPC
