Resentment
Years ago I read an article about resentment and how it is created. It talked about our people-pleasing tendencies and how we have difficulty saying no to others’ requests because we want them to like us, want them to be happy with us, and because we simply can’t bear the disappointed response that is sure to follow when we say, no. If you can relate, you may want to read more. Saying yes to make other people happy might be creating the very situation you were trying to avoid.
I have found this to be true with many of the people I work with, so if this applies to you, listen close because there’s a pattern that arises.
You’re asked to complete a task that you a) don’t want to or b) don’t have time for.
You say yes despite a and b above in order to make the asker happy.
You start the task that you didn’t want to take on. Resentment takes hold.
You get huffy and irritable about it, ultimately creating strain in the relationship with the person who asked you to complete this task in the first place.
Now remember: this was the person you were trying to please by saying yes! You have now managed to upset that person, and the disappointment you were initially trying to avoid, has become the outcome anyway. The take-away? Say yes when you want to say yes, and no when you want to say no. If you don’t, you will experience resentment and create frustration for the person who asked.
Let’s take a look at a potential scenario:
Your partner tells you that they want your help working on the yard this weekend. You know that the yard is a total mess and that it is going to require hours of work. You were secretly hoping to work on some other projects this weekend and spend some time with your friends. You know that your partner REALLY wants your help, so you agree because you want to make them happy in that moment. The weekend comes, and you are not looking forward to the task at hand. You drag your feet about getting started, act pouty when completing the task, and noticeably only put in half the effort. You get a little short with your partner when they question the way you’ve been acting. Your partner gets upset with you for your irritability and clear lack of commitment to the task at hand. Your partner, fed-up, then tells you to just go in the house, or they tell you that you shouldn’t have committed if you didn’t really want to. You have now managed to upset the partner that you were initially trying to please.
Here’s the Kicker…
When we experience frustration in response to accepting a task that we didn’t want to, we have a tendency to project outward. Rather than taking responsibility for the fact that we made the decision to accept the task, we get resentful towards the person who asked us for help. Here’s what we need to remember. When someone asks a favor of us, we have the freedom to choose. Asking is not demanding. We are ultimately responsible for saying yes or no. If unwilling to say no (for whatever reasons), then we need to own the fact that we are responsible for the situation we are in.
Finding Yourself in a Pickle?
Perhaps you’re finding yourself in this situation right now. You’ve said yes to something that you didn’t really want to say yes to... It may be too late to backtrack and get out of the decision you made, but what you can do is acknowledge that you made the decision that got you here. Be mindful of your attitude while fulfilling the task that you’ve agreed to. Make a commitment to completing the task with a positive attitude, and make a commitment to yourself to only say yes if you want to in the future.
Respect and Value
The other thing for us to consider are the themes of respect and value. If I say yes to a task that I 1) don’t have time for or 2) don’t really want to do for the sake of making someone else happy, who am I valuing? If I agree to complete this person’s tasks, I am essentially saying that their wants and needs are more important than my own. I’m willing to put my own wants and needs on the back burner in order to prioritize someone else’s.
In the ideal world, we would say no when we want to say no. We might have to sit with a long, uncomfortable sigh, or an “Oh, I was hoping I could count on you. I’m not sure who I’ll be able to ask now,” but that’s OK It’s better to experience that mild disappointment up front than to experience the upset and disappointment that is generated when we agree to something that we don’t want to agree to.
Compromise
Now, you might be wondering where compromise comes in. Surely, there are many things that we don’t want to do that we still have to do on a daily basis. There may also be things that we know we ought to say yes to because they are important to someone we really care about. In these cases, we can leave room for compromise. For example, I’d be happy to help with the garden, but this is not a good weekend for me. How would the weekend after work?
In doing so, we are respecting ourselves and our own wants and needs, and we are also working with our partner.
If you are someone who:
tends to put others’ needs before your own
tends to people please
frequently experiences resentment
has difficulty saying no
has difficulty setting boundaries
is thought of as a push-over
The clinicians at LifeSpring can help!
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Written by: Melissa Wesner, LCPC
