The Lies We Tell Ourselves
We all have lies we tell ourselves, whether it’s about ourselves or other people, big or small. “I’ll remember to put gas in my car before work/morning school drop off.” “This job/ relationship isn’t so bad.” “I’m only going to stay for one drink, and then I’ll go home.” “So-and-so’s drinking/drug use isn’t that bad.” The lies we tell ourselves have a way of being the tip of an iceberg. There is much more happening beneath the surface than we realize. What if underneath the tip of that iceberg is a larger pattern? Often times this is the case with one "iceberg" being accompanied by many others. How, though, do you know if you’re floating in the ocean surrounded by icebergs?
What are the lies you tend to tell yourself?
Think of something you tell yourself that you know in fact is a lie or a rationalization.
Take some time to self-reflect on it by asking yourself the following questions:
“When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge”
How often do I tell myself this, and is there a pattern of telling myself this in the past?
What would happen if I challenged this lie?
What do I gain when I tell myself this?
What am I afraid will happen if I tell myself something that’s more truthful?
Let’s put this exercise into action!
Let’s use the gas in the car example above. How often do you tell yourself this, and has this happened before? You notice this happens whenever you’re getting overwhelmed with your responsibilities. It has a way of making things worse, like being late to the next thing, which continues to add to the feelings of being overwhelmed. Have you ever challenged it? No. What do you gain when you tell yourself this? It’s about the car not me! What are you afraid will happen if you tell yourself something else? That it’s a reflection of the way you honor commitments and show up for yourself and others. Maybe it’s self-sabotage so that you can get out of an obligation you never wanted in the first place. Once you go beneath the surface and see the rest of the iceberg for what it is, then you have to decide if you are going to make any changes.
This may mean communicating differently (such as communicating your needs to others, setting boundaries, telling people no, or asking for help), changing your expectations (such as not expecting your loved ones to read your mind and intuitively know that you feel overwhelmed), changing your routine (such as planning ahead), or holding yourself accountable. Change can feel scary at times because we can’t always see what’s on the other side of the mountain. Also, we humans hate uncertainty. New can also be hard because it involves time, effort, and attention. We can’t run on autopilot anymore.
Now let’s use the relationship example (you know, the one you say isn’t so bad). How often you tell yourself this, and has this happened before? You notice you tell yourself this whenever you think about the future and try to reassure yourself that everything is fine. Have you ever challenged it? No, because that would mean acknowledging that something in the relationship is not healthy and that the relationship might end. What do you gain when you tell yourself this? Avoiding the discomfort of a confrontation, the pain of a break-up, and the uncertainty that comes along with starting over. What are you afraid will happen if you tell yourself something else? That you will be overwhelmed by your feelings and feel like you’ll be judged for having a failed relationship.
Start challenging the stories you tell yourself!
It’s not always easy or pleasant to take an honest look at yourself in the mirror, but doing so is the only way to identify the pattern. Once you identify the pattern, the situation doesn’t feel as unpredictable. It’s also easier to see at what point you can do things differently and begin to chip away at the iceberg. Just because you’ve been floating with the icebergs for this long doesn’t mean you have to stay there forever.
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Written By: Sara Secada-Lovio, LCPC
Photo credit: Olya Kobruseva, Zen Chung, Anete Lusina, and Alex Green on Pexels
Date of Download: 5/10/2021
