Coping With Loss in Response to Coronavirus: Five Things You Can Do
My 3 year old niece said to me the other day “So…I can’t have my 4 year chocolate birthday cake with everyone because the towns are closed?” Hearing my young niece try to understand why she couldn’t celebrate with her friends and family reminded me how pervasive the effects of coronavirus are. When she learned she couldn’t have her party as planned she was confused, sad, frustrated, and upset. She asked a lot of questions. Eventually she tried to fix the situation and suggested “Maybe we can make cupcakes to share and do a face-time party!” My niece’s experience is a great example of how an unexpected change due to coronavirus can create personal stress in indirect ways. This stress often feels like grief and loss.
Grief occurs in response to the loss of someone or something. It’s normal and natural.
The loss may involve a loved one, a job, an activity, or possibly a role. Grief helps us make sense of the changes in our lives and it helps us eventually heal from the loss. Anyone can experience grief. How we deal with it is unique to each person. Grief can impact our body (i.e. agitation, sleep disturbance, decrease in appetite, lack of energy); thoughts (i.e. disbelief, confusion, preoccupation) and emotions (i.e. loneliness, anxiety, sadness, anger). Coronavirus is creating multiple various losses for us all.
Coronavirus presents new losses for us because it represents changes in our lives even if we don’t contract the virus. On a universal scale, there are collective losses in communities due to the closures and restrictions of things like schools, businesses, transportation, childcare, or recreational facilities. On individual levels we’re encountering changes in family life, interpersonal relationships and personal activities in new ways. Things, people, places, and opportunities that were there before coronavirus are now absent or different.
Five things you can do to feel empowered while you manage unexpected losses associated with coronavirus
1. Ask yourself, “How am I making sense of coronavirus and the changes it’s causing in my life?
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is universally recognized for her theory on the stages of grief and loss. This theory outlines five fundamental emotions people experience to process losses. Grief processes look different to everyone. Thoughts, feelings and behaviors may happen quickly, may overlap and may manifest differently for each of us.
Denial: For example, “The virus isn’t as bad as they say.”
Anger: For example, “They can’t tell me what to do. I’m still going into the office!”
Bargaining: For example, “As long as I limit the time my kids play outside they’ll be OK.”
Sadness: For example, “I really miss not being able to go to the gym to work out.”
Acceptance: For example, “This is a new normal. I have to make some adjustments.”
2. Pay attention to what you’re feeling and how you’re expressing your emotions
Our emotions are directly related to our life experiences, our values, and the lessons we’ve learned. They’re natural reactions which signal our mind and body on ways to take care of ourselves. Sometimes these responses are unhealthy and we get stuck, avoid, or react with intensity. The ultimate goal is to find some balance. One way to help us achieve balance is to understand what we’re feeling and how we express ourselves. Take this opportunity to increase your emotional intelligence by being self-aware, building your empathy, managing your emotions, being adaptable and building your motivation. Give yourself some space to write, sing, journal, read, cook, reorganize, play or learn. Use this break in typical routines to take up a hobby, revisit something you’ve always wanted to try, or shift your energy into another direction.
3. Take care of yourself
With coronavirus restrictions it’s easier to focus on the needs of others who may be more vulnerable or less capable than you (i.e. elderly, children, disabled, etc). Self-care is just as important as looking out for others. The primary goals are safety, stability, and viability. Depending on your situation, reach out for support. Turn to trusted friends and family. Access online resources for creative ideas on being ‘homebound’ with children, setting healthy boundaries when working at home, opportunities for personal growth, etc. Draw comfort from your faith through prayer, meditation or reading. Look after your physical health through regular eating, sleeping, grooming and hygiene routines. Check in with your medical provider via telehealth as needed. Value your mental health. Practice stress management techniques such as yoga, journaling, deep breathing, listening to music, practicing assertiveness skills, etc. Seek mental health support by calling hotlines or through telemental health services to process your well being with a professional.
4. Exercise your internal locus of control
During coronavirus, most of us will have to follow rules and restrictions put in place by others, for example the government, our employer, a childcare provider, etc. With daily changes and revisions to imposed restrictions without a specific end in sight, some of us may begin to feel helpless and hopeless. We can manage these feelings of loss by taking ownership of our experiences. Don’t let others tell you how you feel. Set healthy boundaries with others about what you are and are not willing to do and the reasons for your choices. Identify what and when you need to feel comfortable or safe. Communicate with others about being respectful around personal space. Make ‘To Do’ lists to help you highlight your priorities. Use recent developments as a guide to consider how things may be different in your life over the next few weeks. For example, look at financial and other obligations on a calendar. Look at alternative plans to handle these things given coronavirus.
5. Find moments of joy and empowerment
Whenever possible, take time to enjoy new possibilities presented to you as a byproduct of the coronavirus circumstances. Take a walk with the kids and the family dog. Try out a new recipe. Write a letter to an old friend. Finish a project you started months ago. Take a nap. Sort a closet. Organize computer files. Take a mental inventory of personal goals. Share positive resources you’ve found online with others. Limit the amount of time you spend on the computer. Listen to nature. Spend time in the garden. Reconnect with someone you’ve been meaning to call. Perform random acts of kindness. See the humor in small things.
During this time of coronavirus, my young niece found a way to celebrate her birthday after all. Initial feelings of loss evolved into creative thoughts and a suggestion for her mother to include a recipe for the chocolate cupcakes in the invitation. My niece’s vision: a party taking place via face time with all participants eating cupcakes, laughing, and wishing her ‘Happy Birthday.” All of the RSVPs have agreed to attend the virtual party!
May we each find a path to physical health and mental wellness in the wake of coronavirus.
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Written By: Melissa Cole, LCSW-C
Melissa is a Board Approved Social Work Supervisor who helps clinicians and clients maximize their personal strengths through thoughtful, reflective, informed and empowered practice. Melissa’s frame of reference comes from a specialization in interpersonal violence; working with survivors, offenders, witnesses and professionals in the helping professions. For over 25 years, Melissa has provided direct services, contributed to professional research, managed clinical programs, delivered field instruction, provided clinical supervision and consulted to promote best practices. Her experience is derived from working in rape crisis, therapeutic foster care, domestic violence, Baltimore City jails, violence prevention/intervention programs, child protective services, schools and hospitals.
Photos: Maksym Kaharlytskyi and Jenna Anderson on Unsplash
Date of Download: 3/30/2020
