3 Things Your Therapist Wants You to Know About Dating
Dating can be hard - I’ve been there! One of the most common things I hear from people is how challenging modern dating is. Between the whiplash of going on a few dates only to be ghosted, the societal expectations, the posts we see on social media, the fear of being “alone forever,” and the inconsistency of messaging on dating apps - it’s no wonder most people I talk to dread the modern dating scene. While I can’t necessarily promise to make dating fun all of the time (although, I do believe fun is possible), I can share some useful things I’ve learned through work with clients, my own life, and my knowledge as a therapist specializing in the treatment of anxiety and relational issues for women in their 20s and 30s.
Dating Apps Should Not Be Your Only Form of Meeting New People/Dating
Don’t get me wrong, dating apps can be a great tool! They allow you to connect with people locally who are also interested in dating, you get access to a large dating pool at your fingertips, and you can even avoid some of the anxiety that comes with meeting new people in person (at least in the early stages). The reality, however, is that dating apps also come with a few drawbacks. Exposure to ghosting and rejection seem to happen at a much higher frequency on dating apps as opposed to in person, which can start to lead to some pretty serious emotional fatigue and discouragement. So, sure, try out the dating apps, and also, take advantage of opportunities to meet new people out in the wild!
I get it - stretching your comfort zone in unfamiliar social situations can feel super intimidating. I’m sure you don’t want me to tell you to attend your next local singles event, say “hi” to at least one new person at your gym this week, or try out that new dance class at your local studio. Here’s the thing - can we guarantee with 100% certainty that you’ll meet your soul mate at that in-person event? Nope. BUT, we can guarantee that the more you stretch your comfort zone, the more comfortable you’ll become with engaging in those social settings and meeting new people, and that has a ripple effect that is certainly worthwhile.
Being comfortable engaging in-person with people becomes a great tool to have when you’re dating, and in lots of other areas in life. And, who knows? You may make a new friend. You may realize you could have had a chance on So You Think You Can Dance. You actually may end up meeting someone you really vibe with. Or, you may end up meeting someone who knows someone you’d really connect with. All wins in my book. Besides, what did that hockey guy say that one time? Something about missing all the shots you don’t take?
If They Wanted to They Would…Sometimes?
“If they wanted to, they would,” is a quote I often see floating around social media, being discussed on podcasts, or coming from the mouth of your well-intentioned best friend who just wants to see you happy. I have found that, like most things in life, one-size-fits-all approaches don’t actually fit all. My interpretation of this quote is something along the lines of: if they really cared about you, they’d be making more of an effort. Is effort important in (all kinds of) relationships? Absolutely! With that said, here are some important points to also consider:
Have I clearly and directly communicated my own needs/wants/intentions to them? Or, am I holding on to expectations they may not know about?
Have I been consistent in my own effort and communication with them? Or, do I wait for them to text me first, then wait at least an hour before responding so I don’t look too needy?
Am I engaging in open dialogue about thoughts/feelings with my partner? Or, am I scared to communicate how I feel so I wait for them to do it first?
The quote “if they wanted to, they would,” certainly has its usefulness. Maybe you have been really honest and direct in your communication, but they keep cancelling at the last minute, ghosting you for days at a time just to pop back up later like nothing happened, or they just generally come off as pretty wishy-washy. At that point, it might be time to consider whether or not this is someone who is truly worthy of your time and energy. After all, your time and energy are your most valuable resources - it’s perfectly acceptable for people to have to earn access to those things. My only point - at least give them the opportunity to try by doing your part to clearly communicate from the start!
Your Attachment Style (And Theirs) Matters - Learn About It!
Attachment style refers to the way we generally behave/think/engage in intimate relationships. It is often formed early on in infancy and childhood, and continues to be shaped by the experiences and relationships we engage in throughout our life. There are four main attachment styles people tend to fall into: secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized (a combination of anxious and avoidant).
When dating as an adult, it can be super helpful to not only know your own attachment style, but to also be able to pick up on cues that help you identify the attachment style of your potential dating partner. Why is this so important? Understanding your attachment style can help you understand yourself and your behaviors in relationships better, choose partners that are capable of meeting your needs, and learn tools to help you form the kind of relationship you want to have.
Here are some resources I recommend:
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller (for learning about the attachment styles and how they show up in adult romantic relationships)
Anxiously Attached by Jessica Baum (for supporting you on your healing journey if you have a more anxious attachment style)
www.theattachmentproject.com (for quizzes on attachment style and general educational resources)
Engaging in your own individual therapy (for supporting you as you move towards personal growth and navigate relationships of all kinds)
All of This to Say…
Dating can feel challenging, especially in today’s world, and also, you’re not alone. One of the most common reasons people seek out therapy is not just to work on themselves, but also to improve their relationships with others. Because at the end of the day, we’re wired for connection - and learning to navigate relationships can open the door to the kind of connection you’re really looking for.
If you’re a Marylander who is feeling stressed and frustrated by trying to navigate the dating scene while working on your own communication, attachment style, and boundary-setting skills, the therapists at LifeSpring Counseling Services would be happy to help. We offer online therapy across the state of Maryland and in-person in Baltimore City. Dating and relationships are hot topics that often come up in therapy!
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If you’re a Marylander who knows that counseling is the direction you need to take, the therapists at LifeSpring Counseling Services are here to help. We offer online counseling services for mindfulness, depression, anxiety, trauma, and grief and loss. We also offer Brainspotting as a specialized service, and Brainspotting can be done online, too!
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Written by: Michaela Langley, LCPC
Michaela Langley is a Maryland-based Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who helps women navigate stress, anxiety, overwhelm, and perfectionism in their relationships and careers.
