Relationship Lessons We Can Learn From 90 Day Fiance: A Baltimore City Therapist’s Perspective
I don’t know about you, but I am a sucker for reality TV, especially when it involves tangled up relationships and drama. 90 Day Fiance is my absolute favorite reality series, not only because of the twisted story lines but because of the lessons we learn from their relationships, both positive and negative. Although not every relationship is the same, there are common truths and situations that relate to everyone’s relationship. February is the season of love, so what better way to learn relationship advice from some of 90 Day’s most famous couples.
Gino and Jasmine
What happens in a relationship when one partner refuses intimacy and the other craves it? We’ve all been there, maybe not as dramatic as the show portrays, but this is a very real problem that impacts a lot of relationships. When partners are mismatched in sex drive, it can impact the relationship. One partner might overcompensate through love bombing the other in an attempt to spark something romantic while the other wants to be alone. It’s more than just sex. In order to spark intimacy both partners need to feel safe, heard, and understood. There needs to be a level of trust and compassion between both partners in order to cultivate a healthy sexual relationship. Communication and consent is key, your partner may struggle with initiating or signaling what is on and off the table. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you, they may be concerned with other things that push intimacy on the back burner. Your frustration is valid, but there are ways to work with your partner.
Replace the all or nothing mentality with small acts of intimacy to build up to sexual encounters.
It can be really frustrating for both parties when they feel boundaries are being crossed. In order to move through that frustration, start out small. Maybe cuddle on the couch, engage in activities that lead to deeper connection. For me and my partner, we find a lot of connection in doing activities together that make us joke around and laugh. These encounters often lead to deeper intimacy, not just physical but emotional. Get creative, the sky is the limit!
Have conversations around what is allowed.
Maybe you voice to your partner how you are feeling, and they respond with “I’m just not in the mood.” Rather than taking that as defeat, ask them “ okay, if sex is off the table, what can we do to cultivate the same intimate connection?” Maybe you make out, cuddle, or engage in activities like “Take/Allow,” asking your partner for permission to engage in physical intimacy.
Seek professional help.
Couples therapy is a great way to strengthen the relationship and learn helpful strategies that open the door for healthy communication and positive physical intimacy. If you’re engaged, like the individiuals on this show, consider participating in pre-marital couples counseling which is a service we offer here at our Baltimore City office.
Rob and Sophie
Communication can be hard when feelings get in the way. When we become emotionally dysregulated and respond outside of our zone of tolerance, we can damage our relationships and hurt the people we love. Our “optimal zone of arousal” is the space that allows us to manage and thrive in our emotional and sensory experiences. When we are in this space, we can engage in meaningful activities, process information, and connect with others. However, when faced with conflict, we begin to reach beyond our optimal zone of arousal, and step outside of the zone of tolerance. We begin to react out of emotion rather than logic and reason, this is when we say things we regret in conflict. It is important to recognize when we are reaching the limits of our zone of tolerance, we need to be mindful in how we respond to others when our emotions begin to take the lead.
Here are some helpful strategies to utilize the next time you feel your emotions hijack the conversation.
Utilizing skills that allow you to stop and name the emotion is key.
Take a moment to step back from the situation. Take a deep breath and ask yourself, am I starting to get emotionally dysregulated? If the answer is yes, ask your partner to have a break from a conversation with the intention of coming back to address the issue. Accountability is key, if your partner says they need space and time away from the situation, give them the space they need, but follow up and hold them accountable.
Observe what is happening around you and within you.
Lean into some of the automatic negative thoughts, acknowledge their presence, identify where they come from and gather the facts without jumping to conclusions. It’s easy to be on the defense when we feel attacked; however, try to see the situation from a different perspective. Your partner may have good intentions. Approach the situation with curiosity rather than judgement to open up the lines of communication.
Proceed mindfully.
Ask yourself what do you want from this situation? What choice can you make that will make this situation better or worse? Before reacting, take time to sit with your experience and feelings. Where do you feel the emotion? What are you telling yourself about the situation? Identify what you want to say and how you want to say it. Oftentimes it’s not what we say, but rather how we say it that leads to destroyed or broken relationships. Take your space, but always return to the conversation.
Use the Gottman’s soft start up sentence frames to communicate your feelings effectively.
This may look like: I feel ____ when ____, I need _____, or I hear you need _____ I will ____. Sentence stems that avoid “finger wagging” is a great way to open communication without pointing the blame.
Yara and Jovi
Loving someone from a different culture or background can be difficult, especially when both people want completely different things. Resentment often stops us from loving the other person without our knowledge. We may think we don’t hold resentment for our partner but a sure sign that we do is reacting negatively to how we think someone should act, behave, or exist. Resentment feeds defense in the relationship, it might start out as frustration, sounds harmless right? But if that frustration is left unchecked, it leads to irritation which often leads to resentment. Couples often respond in one of two ways, they either take accountability for how they feel and communicate that to their partner or they suppress feelings and use the “silent treatment” to punish the other. Resentment festers in our heart as we keep records of wrong, making note of past mistakes and repeating them over and over again in our mind. The only way to move forward is through forgiveness. I know, I know, it’s easier said than done, but here are a few things to keep in mind.
Forgiveness does not condone the behavior.
Forgiveness simply means you acknowledge you have been hurt and how it feels while recognizing holding on to the resentment no longer serves you or your relationship. Holding on to the wrongs of your partner keeps you in a prison of pain, the only way to release yourself is through forgiveness.
Remember, you hold the power.
You choose everyday how you are going to show up and respond within your relationship. Acknowledge the part you play. Maybe you notice you are holding on to resentment. Forgive yourself and move on. Take accountability for yourself and be honest. Are you the one in the way of your own happiness?
We get what we want by being what we want.
When you notice resentment starts creeping up, it’s the perfect time to acknowledge the feeling, name it and turn inwards to reflect over why the situation is making you feel a certain way. Utilize some DBT strategies to navigate the feelings you experience while also taking time to reflect before reacting.
If you are struggling in your relationship, therapy is a great place to start. At LifeSpring we understand the complexities of being in a relationship and want to help you acquire the skills you need in order to have a successful relationship whether it be with yourself, a significant other or just maintaining friendships. If you, like these couples on the show, are engaged, we have pre-marital couples counseling services to help you invest in the relationship that you hope will last a lifetime.
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Interested in Pre-Marital Counseling, or Individual Counseling for Communication Skills, Boundary Setting, or Sex Therapy?
If you’re a Marylander who knows that counseling is the direction you need to take, the therapists at LifeSpring Counseling Services are here to help. We offer online counseling services for mindfulness, depression, anxiety, trauma, and grief and loss. We also offer Brainspotting as a specialized service, and Brainspotting can be done online, too!
Here’s how you can get started! Pre-marital counseling, online, and in-person counseling for communication skills, boundary setting, and sex therapy aren’t the only services offered at our Baltimore, MD office.
The counselors and social workers at our Maryland office also offer counseling services for trauma, grief and loss, boundary setting, communication skills, and difficult life transitions. We also offer specialized counseling services including Brainspotting and spiritually-integrated counseling. Because we are located next to several local universities, we also work with college students and international students.
Written by: Ali Miller, LifeSpring Counseling Intern
