No, Seriously: What Can Therapy Do For Men?
As therapists, we try to encourage clients that our spaces are places where we can be vulnerable, share stories with one another, and develop a sense of trust between the two of us. But, what happens when you meet a client who has learned that speaking about their problems isn't the right answer? What if a client walks in that has been told to be tough all of their lives? What if this client views themselves as someone independent from others, who can control any emotional state that they are in? What do therapists do with clients whose values conflict with the therapeutic principles at its core?
Deviating from childhood socialization
Surprise: this experience is not uncommon! Many men who come to therapy for the first time are greeted with this very conflict before they ever even step foot into our offices. In many societies across cultures, men learn that seeking help is not simply "negative," it is something that inherently deviates from the male identity. This socialization in our childhoods naturally teaches us that, if we want to be who we are, depending on others is out of the question. Over time, this causes a separation between ourselves and other people, and this isolation can create a plethora of issues, from chronic stress to low self-esteem. In some cases, this rift can create a numbing effect on emotionality at large. This suppression of feeling can often go unnoticed, but the avoidance of our sadness and anger can become a dangerous cycle that leads to health-risking behaviors, such as substance use or overeating. But, as Brené Brown once said, "we cannot selectively numb. When we numb the dark, we numb the light, too." In other words, when we don't sit with our lows, we can't reach our highs either.
From my personal experience, therapy taught me very quickly that I lacked some awareness in how to use my words to describe emotions. For instance, in the past, when I was asked how I felt about a situation, I would answer with what "should" have happened, or the negative consequences I could face. But I was quickly reminded: I was asked how I felt, and what feelings were coming up for me. This concept has been coined by Dr. Ronald F. Elvant, EdD, as "normative male alexithymia," in which males are frequently socialized into learning fewer words for their emotions. As I was guided through those questions, I realized something very important: therapy is a judgment-free zone. No points are scored, and there is no game to be won. I'm not being graded, and I can't "outsmart" therapy or think my way out of my problems. My sadness and frustration were not childish, but instead served as proof of what matters to me. It was only when I started connecting with my emotions that I started to find true answers for my problems. Instead of relying on "logical" intelligence, I developed my emotional intelligence.
“We cannot selectively numb. When we numb the dark, we numb the light, too.”
Beginning your therapy journey as a man
This emotional intelligence is the launching point of many men's issues in therapy. It can lead to a heightened awareness of their reactions to triggering situations, and can be the foundation for deeper emotional connections in their social lives. Instead of seeing relationships as transactional and surface-level, men can learn how to better support their partners, how to manage their expectations with friends and family, and how to put themselves first rather than protecting others. Therapy can also teach stronger communication skills that creates less "noise" and more understanding between men and their significant others. This can also extend to work colleagues, which is important to note since one common component of the normalized masculine identity is linked to professional success and perceived competence in the workplace. I often hear from male clients that they dream of being a good husband or father in the future, and I tell them that, at the core of both of those things? Trust, communication, and emotional connection to their partner and children.
The consequences of ignoring men’s mental health
So, what happens if these issues aren't attended to? Well, the truth is, we're still seeing that effect in real time. Though we've made significant improvements over the last few years, male depression is still often underdiagnosed, and males are statistically more likely to drop out of therapy than most other populations. When these emotional issues are left unresolved over long periods of time, chronic stress can take effect, which communicates to our bodies that the sympathetic nervous system can never rest. This can have drastic effects on men's physical health, such as weaker immune responses, unhealthy weight loss, insomnia, lower libido, and cardiovascular diseases. One harrowing statistic that should never be left unsaid: men are up to four times more likely to die by suicide than their female counterparts, and make up nearly 80% of suicides in the United States. Thus, in many ways, seeing a therapist could be just as relevant as seeing your dentist, or going to your primary care provider.
So, guys, I can totally understand that it's tough to be tough. Having to unlearn what we have learned all our lives is a slow-and-steady process that takes time and forces us to look inward. It may be awkward, it may be uncomfortable, and it may be foreign for many of us. I know it was for me. But, in my professional and personal opinion, the toughest and manliest thing you can do is to be vulnerable, face your emotions, and just feel.
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Interested in Online & In-Person Counseling for Relationship Concerns, Depression, Anxiety, or other Men’s Concerns?
If you’re a Marylander who knows that counseling is the direction you need to take, the therapists at LifeSpring Counseling Services are here to help. We offer online counseling services for mindfulness, depression, anxiety, trauma, and grief and loss. We also offer Brainspotting as a specialized service, and Brainspotting can be done online, too!
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The counselors and social workers at our Maryland office also offer counseling services for trauma, grief and loss, boundary setting, communication skills, and difficult life transitions. We also offer specialized counseling services including Brainspotting and spiritually-integrated counseling. Because we are located next to several local universities, we also work with college students and international students.
Written by: Tyler Levy, LGPC
Tyler Levy is a Licensed Graduate Professional Counselor who provides individual therapy services to adults across the state of Maryland. He also provides in-person therapy at our Baltimore City office.
