The Practice of Stoicism and Its Impact on Men’s Mental Health
A topic that has come up in my personal life with male friends and in my work life with male clients is that of stoicism. This is a topic of genuine interest for me as a man who is a mental health professional as the practice of stoicism is problematic. This blog will outline what stoicism is, the messages it sends to men, and healthier ways of being for others.
The Practice of Stoicism
Stoicism at its basic level is restraining one's emotions in order to live a “simple life.” This principle has likely been long-present for men. I am sure that when we were still living in caves, hunting in order to survive, there were many things that men had to just “grin and bear”.
This very idea of restraining a person’s own emotions is an impossible task. As humans, we live in a world of emotion, and it is those very emotions that provide beauty in our world and in our lives. For example, without anxiety, there is no room for progress and looking outside oneself. Without sadness there is no meaningful joy and excitement in our lives. In order to work and engage with others, we must have emotions and understand emotions.
Stoicism–at its root–is blunting men’s abilities to truly be there for others and provide in our own way both emotionally and physically for the people in our lives. It cannot be stressed enough how impossible of an act it is to truly be stoic. We as humans are emotional beings and no matter how hard we try, we cannot blunt this core function of our bodies.
The Harmful Impact of Stoicism
Being stoic creates a stigma, a negative perception, of how men should be and act. This starts its own reinforcing stereotype that impacts young males. It creates a vicious cycle of young males thinking that in order to be “man enough” they must first blunt their emotions and live by these impossible standards. This is likely a major cause for the male suicide rate to be disproportionately higher than females. Men are 4x more likely to commit suicide than females, according to the CDC.
Stoicism creates a problem in our relationships. Because we are not able to identify our emotions, men are likely even worse at understanding their partner’s emotions, and are unable to show up in moments of emotional intimacy. By not engaging in our true feelings, we are unable to identify our own emotions and adequately express ourselves, leading to more frustration which gets further bottled up in our minds and bodies. There is only so much our minds and bodies can take of bottling up our emotions before the smallest thing sets us off. This can be at work, home, at the gym, etc., and it affects everyone around us.
Healthier Ways of Relating to Others
The first step in getting out of this flawed practice of stoicism and negating emotions is to think about your emotions. Think about the way you feel, not only when you are upset, but also when you are happy. This will help you learn to identify your feelings and start the process of getting in tune with your emotions. A feelings wheel can be extremely helpful to look at to help hone in on one or a few feelings. A helpful tip is to start from the center of the wheel and slowly go outward from whichever feeling word you start at.
It can be helpful to talk to other men about this shared experience and expectation of stoicism, as it is extremely likely that they have gone through similar experiences. It may be helpful to seek the care of a mental health professional. It may seem taboo but there are plenty of men in the field who can help you navigate this experience and help you be able to be there not just physically but also emotionally for others.
To summarize, the idea of stoicism has impacted men in many different ways. It has hurt our ability to express ourselves, not just with others, but also with ourselves. We struggle with identifying our emotions and as a result of that, we have a hard time knowing our own self. Emotions are a core part of our bodies and by neglecting our feelings, we are hindering our ability to be there for the people who rely on us. Stoicism affects not just us, but our children as well. And to be healthier with our bodies and minds, we need to start listening to our emotions, sharing with other men, and seek a mental health professional for guidance on emotions.
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Written by: Harry Calvert, LGPC
Harry Calvert is a Licensed Graduate Professional Counselor who provides individual counseling services to children, teens, and men at our Baltimore City office. Harry enjoys helping individuals recognize their emotions and learn strategies for managing and communicating them effectively.
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