The Power of “And”: The Art of Balancing the Dreams and Limits of Our Inner Worlds!
How many times have you had a similar thought: “I want to ____, but I am ____.”
Depending on how you would fill in the blanks, the thought sounds like a very short story. Maybe your short story started with a desire or a hope, but the second blank ended the story before the story began. The reason for this is the key word: “but.”
For example, “I want to run, but I am tired.”
Right there, my hope to go for a run was ended. It ended before I thought about grabbing my running shoes and how proud I would feel after completing a run. At first, it may seem like my fatigue ended any chances of going for a run, but it was one tiny part of that story that we take for granted. In English, “but” is a word we use effortlessly. Still, when we stop to take a second, we can remember that it is a conjunction that states that anything following what was previously stated in a sentence is impossible.
If you have experienced a short story like this, you may think back to how that short story ended. Your mind may have slipped a “but” in there without you even realizing it! That is incredibly normal, especially as humans thrive in the meaning of language. We have evolved as a species to find meaning both in our external world with the language we use with others and in our internal world with the language we use with ourselves.
However, let’s say I noticed the “but” and went back and said, “I want to go for a run, and I am tired.”
What do you notice?
If you didn’t notice anything, try re-reading both thoughts a few times. If you did notice something, that subtle change is what we call the power of “and.” As we found with “but,” “and” is also a conjunction that we use effortlessly, and it is used to add an additional thought, point, or idea to something pre-existing.
The power of “and” is not meant to be an English lesson. It is meant to help us introduce dialectics into our thinking.
Introducing Dialectics Into Our Thinking
A dialectic is when two oppositional concepts can be true and simultaneously exist in the same space. When we use “but” in a thought, we automatically allow one oppositional concept to dominate.
We want to try dating, BUT we are scared of rejection.
We need to take a shower, BUT we are depressed.
We need to do well on this homework assignment, BUT we don’t know where to start.
In these three stories, it sounds like our fear of rejection keeps us from finding companionship, our depression keeps us from personal hygiene, and our stress delays us from starting our schoolwork.
When we use dialectics, we can allow both concepts to oppose one another without dominating the other to dictate how a short story ends.
We want to try dating, AND we are scared.
We need to take a shower, AND we are depressed.
We need to do well on this homework assignment, AND we don’t know where to start.
With the power of “and,” we can be scared while connecting with others, experience depression while still caring about personal hygiene, and be overwhelmed and still want to do well in school. These desires and emotions can coexist without dictating how we respond to them.
So, while I may want to go for a run and be tired, “and” allows both to coexist. It is possible to want to do something that requires energy AND be tired at the same time without that fatigue automatically talking me out of doing something I love. When we switch from “but” to “and,” we can take back our short stories' narratives and decide their outcome rather than our language writing them for us.
If I decide that a run would be better for me than sitting on the couch like I had for the past week, I take my “and” AND run despite the fatigue. Or, if I decide that I have been running a lot lately and need a rest day, I take my “and” AND rest despite wanting to run. Either way, I decided my next steps without invalidating my desires, values, and emotions. I validated both parts of myself: the part that wanted to run and the tired part.
Try tracking your thoughts throughout your day and see if you notice how often your mind “buts” you. Then, see how your day goes as you apply the power of “and.” You may be unable to control thoughts, emotions, or urges. However, you can control whether you decide that thought, emotion, or action helps you live out what matters to you.
If you notice any “buts,” that’s okay! All we need to do is acknowledge, adjust, and act. We first acknowledge that our minds have worked this way until this point, and reading one blog post will not suddenly autocorrect every “but” to an “and.” Then, we adjust to start using “and” instead of “but.” When we are ready, we can act out how the story changes.
Remember, you are the author of the story, no matter if it is your world’s shortest story or the narrative of your entire life story. The English language cannot tell you who you are; you can only know what you will look like while living as the person you realistically aspire to be.
Regardless of who that ideal version of you is, you have the power of “and” AND the power of you!
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Written by: Sophie Koch, LGPC
Sophie is a LifeSpring therapist who offers online and in-person counseling services to adolescents and adults (15 and up) to offer help with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, trauma, and mood disorders.
