Parents’ Communication Toolkit: How to Use Questions to Build Engagement & Improve Communication
How often are you met with a blank stare after asking your child how their day was? Are you tired of getting shrugged off when you ask questions, or knowing you’ve lost their attention when you’re trying to check-in? A desire for connection is at the heart of parent/child relationships, but dysfunctional communication can make us feel further apart than ever. To help close that gap and make you feel more empowered as parents, we’re going to share different strategies in a series on the LifeSpring Counseling blog to help you build your communication toolkit.
Using Questions to Build Engagement
The skill we’ll be focusing on today is how to use questions to build engagement. Well intentioned questions can sometimes be the beginning of the disconnect. When using questions strategically there are two different directions to go- broadening and narrowing. Sometimes we can shut down communication when we open with a specific question. “Do you want to go to the library this weekend” invites a yes or no response and leaves the conversation with nowhere else to go. We call these closed-ended questions, and they can leave you feeling like you’ve hit a dead end. If this sounds familiar, try asking an open-ended question, or a question that invites dialogue. Something like “What might be fun to do this weekend?” or “What’s something we haven’t done in a while that you miss?” Such questions foster connection.
Conversely, there are times when an open-ended question may be too broad, and your child may feel overwhelmed and unsure how to respond. If you find yourself in this situation, it might be a good time to use scaffolding. This term, most commonly associated with construction, refers to a strategy of providing support by chunking, or breaking a broader topic down into smaller, more digestible pieces. One example of this would be to swap the dreaded “how was school today?” for a more specific question, such as “what did you guys play during recess, today?” or “what was one thing that made you laugh?” These questions may feel more approachable because of their narrower scope, but they give you more to build on than a yes-or-no question.
One example of how I might use this professionally is, in lieu of the “how have things been since last session” opener many of us use with adult clients, one of my go-to questions at the beginning of therapy sessions with children is “tell me one good thing, and one not so good thing that happened since last time we met.” This gives them options of where to take our conversation, while giving them specific enough prompts to get them going.
One thing to remember is that you will have to experiment with these strategies- what’s effective in one scenario might not work the next time you try it. You don’t have to be an expert communicator or use exactly the right words. Your desire to try to connect with your child, and your willingness to be creative in how you do so, is what really matters and what will pay off in the long run.
Check back in to learn about additional communication strategies in future LifeSpring Counseling blog posts and stay tuned as we expand our content (and services offerings) to include work with children and adolescents!!
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An Ode to Teachers and School Staff
Nonverbal Communication with Children
Paraverbal Communication with Children
How to Effectively Communicate with Your Child’s Mental Health Therapist
Counseling for Communication Skills & Boundary Setting
Listening Skills to Help Cultivate a Healthy Connection with Your Child
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Written by: Liza Krohn, LCSW-C
