Parents’ Communication Toolkit: Listening Skills to Help Cultivate a Healthy Connection with Your Child
Welcome back to our series on parent/child communication strategies. I imagine you clicked on this page because you are looking for ways to enhance your connection to your child through improved communication - welcome! This post focuses on the two roles in interpersonal communication; sending and receiving.
When you are engaged in communication with someone, you are either receiving information or sharing information. Different situations call for different balancing of these roles. In a performance review meeting with your boss you’re probably doing a lot of listening, when you’re venting to your sibling you’re probably doing most of the talking, and while chatting with a friend, there may be a little bit of both, and you will alternate between roles. Conversation wouldn’t be possible without this two-way flow, and both roles are essential to quality communication.
Parenting often focuses on the sending, or speaking, role. In the course of giving directions and reminders, and sharing information we can unconsciously dominate the conversational space. Children are often relegated to the receiving, or listening, role. When they are at school they are expected to limit their interpersonal communication with peers, listen to their teachers, follow directions with limited prompts, and are not always given opportunities to respond. Because of this, it is incredibly impactful when you create opportunities for your child to express themselves while offering yourself as an active listener.
Maximizing Your Impact as a Listener
Let’s talk about some ways to maximize your impact as a listener. This first strategy is basic but foundational. Let your child or adolescent talk about whatever interests them. There will be plenty of times you need specific information from then, but when possible, give them an opportunity to steer the conversation. By showing genuine interest in a topic that excites them, you’re building connection and demonstrating that what matters to them matters to you.
It is important that this interest be genuine, which brings us to our next strategy. Be present. We can all tell when someone is faking their enthusiasm, has lost interest, or is just waiting for their turn to talk. Kids are no different. While you are in the role of listener, focus on being present and taking in what your child is saying. The fast pace of modern communication has trained many of us to formulate our response while our conversational partner is speaking, rather than listening to understand what our partner is trying to communicate. If everyone involved in a conversation is doing this, real connection is lost. Rewiring this response to be present may take practice, and a few basic mindfulness skills can help. If you notice your mind drifting, acknowledge that to yourself and consciously rejoin the conversation you are having. Using deep breathing can also be helpful as you try to refocus your attention on your child. It is also ok to take a moment before responding to gather your thoughts, this shows you have truly heard what your child just shared with you.
How you respond to what your child has shared is another opportunity to connect. Your response should acknowledge what your child said and build off of, or connect to it in some way. A response that immediately shifts the conversation can feel dismissive. You can paraphrase to show understanding, provide verbal affirmation or ask a question to improve understanding, but your response should relate directly to what was just shared. Throughout communication with your child, as you seek to be a supportive listener, there should be a mix of affirming responses to balance questions that keep the conversation moving forward. This allows for richer communication in which your child feels valued. And when kids feel like what they have to say matters, they’re more likely to express themselves.
Listening skills take practice and patience, so be kind to yourself as you try these strategies! Remember that your intention to improve communication and empower your child has value, and that you don’t have to get it right every time.
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Written by: Liza Krohn, LCSW-C
