How to Best Support Your Highly Sensitive Child
Many parents seeking therapy for their children tell me that they don’t know how to help their children with their mental health challenges. What they don’t always tell me upfront is that they are struggling themselves–on one hand, these parents work really hard to try to understand and empathize with their children; on the other hand, they may worry or even blame their children for being too fragile.
“I think she/he is just too sensitive,” some parents complain. Indeed, some children are more sensitive than others. But does high sensitivity only bring trouble? Who gets to decide what is the right amount of sensitivity and what is too much? Those difficult questions take us into an important research area–HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). If you get frustrated with yourself or/and your child over their high sensitivity, this article is going to help you learn about highly sensitive people and how to best support your child.
Highly Sensitive Child
A highly sensitive person (HSP) tends to have an increased or deeper central nervous system sensitivity to physical, emotional, or social stimuli. For a child, they may not be able to communicate or even become aware of their high sensitivity. As a result, they may get overwhelmed without knowing why.
Contrary to many parents’ worries, HSP is a personality trait that indicates both challenges and strengths. For example, highly sensitive children may have delicate taste in art, they can appreciate the beauty of nature and deeper social connection, and they can be very considerate and empathetic even as a child.
That being said, when parents get very protective of their children or when they are short on strategies to help, children’s high sensitivity can become their parents’ challenge.
How to best support a highly sensitive child?
1. Learn about HSP
The first thing, of course, is to learn more about highly sensitive people. For HSPs, things can get on their nerves more than others. For example, they can be very sensitive to loud noises, a hectic schedule, distractions, negative experiences in relationships, and social comparison and expectations. High sensitivity may manifest in varying ways from person to person. Therefore, it is helpful to do your own research as well as carefully observe your child with curiosity and a non-judgmental attitude. A good starting point is the documentary Sensitive–The Untold Story.
2. Be mindful of your parenting style.
Highly sensitive children can be more greatly impacted by their parents’ parenting styles than other children.
No one is perfect. You may not have the most perfect parenting skills. Children who are less sensitive to their parents’ parenting styles have a higher tolerance for the negative impact of authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful parenting styles. That is why some people can learn healthy self-talk (a big part of their self-parenting) from life experiences with various people other than their parents, yet some heavily rely on their parents’ emotional support.
Therefore, you want to be mindful of how you communicate with your child because they will internalize your words (and of course how you say them) into their self-talk as they grow.
3. Be careful of parentification
Parentification is when parents rely on their children to give them support. As a parent, you may also have things that you struggle with mentally. If your child is highly sensitive, they can easily pick up your negative emotions and internalize them. For example, they can sense your sadness, frustration, anxiety, etc.
As a result, highly sensitive children learn to take care of their parents. Some might feel sad, frustrated, and anxious themselves (without knowing how to cope); some may blame themselves for bringing your negative feelings (similar to children’s tendency to self-blame when their parents get divorced). For example, when a highly sensitive child expresses sadness to their mother, the mother responds: “Baby, I’m sorry. I’m such a terrible mom!” Then the child may stop reaching out for help from their mother due to the fear of making her feel bad.
The relationship between the child and their caretaker is considered a secure base for children. They feel ready to explore the external world only when they know for sure that they have a secure base at home. However, if a child is sensitive to their parents’ negative emotions, they will learn to mask their feelings to pretend that they are fine so that they don’t burden their parents even more. They learn to dismiss their own emotional needs from their parents, to please their parents. In that sense, the best way to support your child is to let them be a child and you seek emotional support from your support system or professional help.
4. Be careful of perfectionism
Highly sensitive children can be easily stressed by social comparison or high expectations. If you tend to compare your kid with other children, it could potentially be a pain for your highly sensitive kid.
The best way to support your child is to compliment their progress, hard work, and their unique strengths instead of just on the final achievement. High sensitivity allows the child to notice nuance and experience life on a deeper level. So, again, follow your curiosity and you will find out your child’s strong suit. Share with them your discovery of their growth and strengths because a lot of the time, HSPs can be their worst critic.
Sensitive but Resilient
Overall, high sensitivity can be both a blessing and a curse, same as a “perfectly happy life”. As a parent, you may realize that learning about your child’s uniqueness is a part of your own personal growth, which a lot of my clients have shared with me.
Also, although there is a differentiation between HSP and the others, it is more like a spectrum instead of a clear-cut thing. It is always helpful to start from assuming that your child is sensitive rather than not, because the power imbalance in the parent-child relationship almost guarantees that the parent can be insensitive more often than they are aware of.
Parents’ belief in their child feeds the child’s self-belief. Their strengths need to be acknowledged in order to consolidate and grow. In vulnerable moments, your emotional support will make your child feel accepted, knowing that you see them as worthy and lovable and that they can count on you. Having a secure base at home, they may still be sensitive but will become more resilient.
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Written by: Si Meng, LGPC
Si is a licensed therapist at LifeSpring Counseling Services in Maryland who specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, life transitions, and mood disorders. She offers multicultural and bilingual services in both English and Mandarin.
Photo credit: Marta Wave
Date of download: 12/22/2022
