Understanding Emotional Struggles from a Cultural Lens
I have never felt so Chinese before I came to the U.S. As a matter of fact, I rarely mentioned the word “Chinese” in my daily life while I was in China–I never had to, given that everyone around me was Chinese. Cultural diversity in the U.S. has given me a chance to reflect on my relationship with my own culture, and more importantly, what is the relationship that I want to develop with my own culture.
As a therapist, my experiences with clients tell me that culture plays a significant role in people’s mental wellbeing, especially in U.S. society. In this article, I will share some examples of when culture is at the center of people’s mental struggles, and in my next article, I will share strategies that help you tackle the struggles.
1. Familial Conflicts
In many immigrant families, younger generations, especially those living in culturally inclusive communities, are more likely to be exposed to a variety of cultures. A challenge that these families face is that the parents and their children might have very different experiences and understandings of their own culture. For example, a parent might feel nostalgic when celebrating a traditional festival, but their kids feel that the old-fashioned traditions are tedious and sometimes even uncivil. For the older generations, they may feel hurt or vulnerable when their kids bring new cultures into their family.
This disconnection can be further complicated by the power dynamics between parents and their children. For example, as the child enters adolescence or young adulthood, they normally want more space and autonomy. They may also feel more curious about other cultures and feel excited to explore and try new things. Defiance against the root culture might be a stage of their journey to figure out their own identity. Nevertheless, many may experience mixed feelings during this journey – feeling excited and strong, but also lonely and guilty. Sometimes, dealing with those feelings can be overwhelming.
Shame is a theme that comes up often in multicultural counseling. Younger generations experience a lack of acceptance in the family when their thoughts and behaviors are considered unacceptable according to their cultural norms. For example, shame around gender, sexuality, and religious beliefs is a heavy burden for many families.
2. Disconnection in Intimate Relationships
We turn to our intimate partners for emotional support. Oftentimes, they are also the person that learns most of our everyday struggles. However, even partners that come from the same culture might not share the same cultural experiences. For example, one may feel discriminated against at work due to their race but their partner thought that he or she was too sensitive or they should just work on their communication skills.
For partners that come from different cultural backgrounds, their disconnection can be even more dramatic. How to negotiate boundaries? How to show care even when you don’t agree with each other? How to support each other against discrimination and racism? How to respect different values and lifestyles? How to parent? Those are not easy questions for multicultural families.
3. Internalized Discrimination
It is hard to admit, but sometimes we can feel inferior in the face of another culture. A friend of mine used to tell me that “the Western culture produced most of today’s technology and art.” when I told him about the racial issues in the U.S. I was furious about his theory of “justified discrimination”, yet I agree that many people of color feel similarly as this friend when interacting with white Americans, especially if they already struggle with speaking English. (Check out my article on “foreign language anxiety”.)
One may feel angry toward themselves when they experience internalized discrimination. For example, in China, still, a lot of teaching emphasizes that one will feel proud of being Chinese when they make greater achievements than people from other countries, in other words, you deserve to be looked down upon if you achieve less.
Internalized discrimination makes us feel small and never enough unless we are “at the top.” But does it mean that once we are “at the top”, the suffering will end? Not likely. Because constant fear of failing will keep haunting us.
4. Rootlessness
On the one hand, the need for autonomy combined with internalized discrimination in some cases can distance us from the culture we came from. On the other hand, the need for belonging and acceptance keeps bringing us back to our root culture.
It is one thing to be reflective and critical of one’s own culture, it is another thing to despise and be hateful. Can one truly experience self-compassion and self-acceptance if one cannot find a way to accept and be compassionate with their own culture? The pain of rootlessness is a source of depression for many who have lost or deliberately cut the connection with their root culture.
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Written by: Si Meng, LGPC
Si is a licensed therapist at LifeSpring Counseling Services in Maryland who specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, life transitions, and mood disorders. She offers multicultural and bilingual services in both English and Mandarin.
Photo credit: August de Richelieu,
Date of download: 12/22/2022
