Ways that Purity Culture Impacts Women, Sex and the LGBTQ+ Community

Faith-BasedTrauma and PTSDLGBTQIA
Written By Melissa Wesner
 
a person sitting on a roof looking at a "Jesus saves" sign
 

Like many Evangelical teens growing up in the 90s, I was told my body was a temple and that we were all born inherently evil. I was told to cover up and dress in modest clothing to protect the minds of boys and men and that marriage was solely meant for one man and one woman. We were the gatekeepers for boys and men in the church. If they started having impure thoughts about us, it was our fault. Throughout my research, I continue to see similar stories and lived experiences to my own. I see myself in all of the stories shared by women across the US and the world who were victims of purity culture. 

Purity Culture not only impacted women growing up in the Evangelical church, other religions and cultures had different names for “purity” but the message was the same. In Islam it was honor culture, in Mormonism, it’s worthiness. Purity Culture aimed at instilling homophobia through stressing the importance of heterosexual marriage, and placed shame and guilt on young girls and women who were seen as the protectors of young men who were uncontrollable sexual beasts. There was this understanding that men were sexual beings who could not control their urges; if a man gave into his sexual urges, it wasn’t the man’s fault, it was the temptress that led him to pleasure himself or think impure thoughts. 

Purity Culture not only existed in our churches, but pop culture was infiltrated and influenced by it. I remember watching Disney Channel as a teen, watching Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers proudly wear their purity rings, and taking the pledge to wait until marriage. Public High Schools started teaching abstinence to 9th graders as a means to push Evangelical teachings and offered a “rebirth” for any teen who engaged in premarital sex.  It was an entire movement, and we lived through it. Although purity culture impacted men, it had a significant impact on women, sex and those who identify as LGBTQ+. 

Purity Culture’s Impact on Women

Although Purity Culture was not gender specific, it had a huge impact on women.  Being the protectors of our “brothers in Christ” it was our responsibility to uphold and maintain our brother’s purity. If one were to stumble, the blame immediately shifted to the woman who caused him to lust. Women were taught to be ashamed of their bodies, to see sex as a means to procreate rather than a means of enjoyment. We were taught that any thought involving members of the same sex was sinful and we were destined for hell if we lusted after another woman. We were asked to sign contracts, committing ourselves to wait until marriage, but what happens if that contract is broken prematurely? Not because we want it, but because we were forced into it? Unfortunately, this is a reality for individuals growing up in a purity culture. This culture bred rape culture and continues to impact victims today.  

Some common symptoms of Purity Culture in women

  1. Guilt and shame surrounding sexual experiences, both premarital and marital 

  2. Pain during sexual intercoarse

  3. Guilt and shame surrounding physical appearance, dress and body perceptions

  4. Reluctance to engage in sexual experiences

  5. Feelings of guilt and shame when exploring non traditional relationships 

  6. Unintentional judgment on individuals who engage in non-monogamous relationships, premarital sexual relationships and homosexual relationships 

  7. Warped understandings of sex and pleasure 

Although this is not an exhaustive list, these are some of the common feelings and characteristics of women who grew up in Purity Culture. Everyone experiences trauma differently, one person’s experience may not be your experience, but we all need to learn how to identify it so we can begin to heal from the harm that impacts our view of ourselves and others.

Purity Culture’s Impact on Sex

a woman lying in bed with her eyes closed

Sex has always been a taboo word. I remember spelling out S-E-X with my friends and someone running to tattle on us for saying a “bad word.” As someone who is a product of purity culture, I can say that sex has always been a problematic area of discussion. Aside from what I learned in my public high school education, I never talked about it with my parents. I was taught sex was only meant for marriage between a man and a woman, masturbation was evil and you were going to go to Hell if you looked at pornography. I never thought to question what I was told because, growing up in church you’re told to respect your elders and listen closely to the teachings of the Bible. I followed blindly and accepted what was told to me because I didn’t want to “sin” against God or my body. We grew up in a culture where we were never taught about sex or the world of pleasure available to us, but it’s about time to blow that door wide open. We have been taught that sex is black and white, when in reality, it is a spectrum. We were never taught about kink communities or alternative lifestyles, but what if I told you there is an entire world out there to explore? 

Since leaving the church and deconstructing my own faith, I have come to learn a lot about sexuality. There is no right or wrong way to engage in sexual behaviors as long as all parties consent, something I hadn’t fully understood until I was well into my late 20s. Sex was made to be enjoyed, it was created to bring pleasure and help individuals find fulfillment. Purity culture breeds shame and guilt for all parties involved, it also contributes to rape culture and nonconsentual touch. Women, boys and girls are subject to unwarranted and unwanted touching due to the culture bred inside the walls of church. At risk of sounding rude, women, men, boys and girls allowed harmful behavior to proceed regardless of the mark it left on us. To this day, I struggle with saying “no” whether sexually or within my personal boundaries; however, there are helpful exercises and strategies individuals can use to make “no” a common part of their vernacular, it just takes patience with yourself and practice. 

It can look like: 

  1. Not saying “no” when confronted with uncomfortable touch for fear of seeming rude

  2. Feeling dirty or ashamed for sexual preferences or activities

  3. Fear of going to Hell for engaging in sexual practices outside of heterosexual sex. 

  4. Not knowing your personal preferences as an adult

  5. Seeing sex as black and white 

  6. Turning off your imagination to engage in pleasurable activities (i.e. not imagining another person to evade sin)

  7. Suppressing feelings towards sexual acts or individuals to avoid feelings of guilt and shame 

  8. Pain during sex for women 

  9. Lack of sex drive to avoid feeling guilt and shame afterwards

Again, this is not an exhaustive list of characteristics but it does echo a lot of experiences that have been shared. Although these may not be your experiences, it does not mean that your experiences are wrong or should be discounted. Trauma is extremely subjective and personal, you are not wrong in your feelings, just different. 

Purity Culture and the LGBTQ+ Community

If you grew up in church, I’m sure you have heard that individuals who identify as LGBTQ+ are destined for an eternity spent away from God. You probably heard phrases like “hate the sin, love the sinner” or “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” if you grew up similarly to me. I’ve struggled with this concept for years, identifying as queer myself, it’s been a struggle to come to terms with my sexuality and my faith. How can the two exist when clearly the God of the Bible “hates” homosexuals and the act of homosexuality? This dichotomy leads to confusion and feelings of guilt and shame. How can someone identify as LGBTQ+ and still have a relationship with God? The same God who set fire to Sodom and Gamora, a town notorious for same sex relationships and sex. Especially for those who identify as LGBTQ+ and religious, it can be difficult to navigate religion and the church. Ideas of heterosexual marriage were drilled into our heads as young children and teens, and unfortunately continue to echo through the halls today. Evangelicals tend to look at homosexuality like it is a choice, they tend to say individuals who engage in homosexuality are choosing to engage in sin, which is why they are destined for an eternity separated from God. 

two men being affectionate toward one another

I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound like a God of love and acceptance. That sounds like propaganda used to spread control and fear, it sounds like hate. It took a long time for me to accept who I was, especially as someone who grew up buying into this notion that homosexuality was inherently bad. I’m here to tell you it is not. Purity Culture told us that we had to love a certain gender, dress a certain way, and behave according to these man made rules that inevitably lead to more harm and trauma. 

The fact of the matter is that you can identify as LGBTQ+ AND be spiritual. You can love someone who is queer AND love God. One does not discount or negate the other, even though we’ve been told it does. Whether you believe in God or not, you were created and made exactly how you were meant to be, queer and all. If you would like to unpack your feelings and thoughts on this, I would love to give you the space to do so. Let’s start to rewrite this narrative we’ve all bought into and begin living our lives to the fullest.

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Written by: Ali Miller, Counseling Intern
Ali Miller is a Masters-Level Counseling Intern at LifeSpring Counseling Services who works with individuals who are experiencing religious trauma and who have been negatively impacted by purity culture.

Melissa Wesner
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