Coping with Holiday Loneliness and Grief: Reflection Questions Inspired by The Holdovers — Baltimore Counseling Insights
NOTE: The blog below contains spoilers for The Holdovers. Please proceed with that knowledge.
“You can’t even dream a whole dream, can you?”
The holidays can be an exciting and festive time for many to reconnect with their loved ones and enjoy a special time of year. However, for some, the holidays are a reminder of all of the loss they have experienced. Whether that be the death of a loved one, feeling left behind, or simply alone, the holidays can make our loss feel amplified.
The 2023 film The Holdovers tackles this idea of loss during the holiday season by looking at a boarding school in the 1970s during their winter break. Only one student, Angus Tully, remains at Barton Academy for the holidays. He is watched by a history teacher, Paul Hunham, who was given the responsibility of staying with “the holdovers” that year. Together, the two of them, along with cook Mary Lamb, must grapple with facing the holidays while each battling their own personal grief.
Grief: it’s not just physical loss
Starting with Angus, we see grief in the form of being left behind. It can be difficult to understand your grief when you haven’t had any physical loss. However, grief is just as valid when it comes out of a loss of relationship or feeling left behind. Angus is originally stuck at Barton with a few other students. However when all of the other students are able to call their parents and get permission to go on a skiing trip, Angus’ mother and stepfather don’t pick up. So, Angus is stuck at Barton alone with Paul and Mary. On top of all of this, Angus’ father is stuck in a psychiatric hospital, battling his own fight with mental illness. Throughout the film, we see how Angus tries to put up a rock solid wall to avoid thinking about how those he loves either cannot or will not be there for him. Angus feels as though he is the problem and that he must live to that role.
While he comes across as standoffish and difficult to like to both other characters but also the viewers, it is easy to understand Angus and his struggles the more you watch. In a way, we can all feel like Angus sometimes. When people leave us or choose to put up a barrier in our relationship, it is easy to blame ourselves. We want to retreat into ourselves and even fulfill the prophecy that someone else wrote. However, as Paul reminds Angus, it is important to remember that the actions of others are not our fault. We cannot blame ourselves for what someone else chooses to do, nor should we. While that’s easier said than done, it is important to find resources and people in our lives to remind us of our worth when things get difficult.
Navigating grief during the holidays
Angus is not the only one facing loneliness and loss this holiday season, as Paul is also battling his own difficulties. Paul has never gotten close to anyone before, always choosing to be alone and keep his guard up. While sometimes solitude can be nice, it is clear throughout the film that Paul secretly wishes there was someone else to spend time with. On top of his chosen seclusion, Paul also battles a medical condition that causes him to further retreat from people. These two parts of Paul and his experience over the holidays feel very real. Whether it be because there’s a part of you that you don’t like or you’re afraid to let someone else in, the holidays always seem to exaggerate the negative feelings we hold. Paul starts the film as a grumpy teacher who chooses to keep others out, but learns throughout the film that sometimes letting a few people in can make the holidays a little painful. For anyone who feels alone but can’t find a way out of this trap, Paul’s journey in The Holdovers can be especially impactful and a good reminder that there’s always someone willing to come in.
Finally, we also get to see the story of Mary running parallel to Angus and Paul throughout the movie. Mary is the school’s cook and had recently lost her son in the Vietnam War. Mary is struggling to cope with her first holiday season without her son, feeling alone and empty. The holiday season can be very difficult for people who lost someone close to them, especially within the last year. Mary does not shy away from those emotions and must continually grapple with her grief as the holidays pass. One way that Mary does this is through a form of coping called Continuing Bonds. Mary finds specific items or memories of her son to bring him through the holidays with her. For example, when at a party, she plays a record of a song he enjoyed. While reliving this memory proves difficult for Mary, it also serves as a way to keep her son in the picture and part of her holiday season, even if he is not physically there.
The holidays are always difficult when we experience loss. Whether it be a physical loss, the feeling of being left behind, or losing parts of ourselves, the holidays have the tendency to make our feelings amplified. Grief is never easy, especially when we see people celebrating all around us. The Holdovers does a great job of portraying the different forms of grief, the complex ways we let grief out, and ways we can cope during the holiday season.
Reflection questions inspired by the movie The Holdovers
Below are some reflection questions for when you watch the movie, or after reading the blog. Feel free to think them over, and even find someone to discuss them with (including your therapist!).
Reflection Questions
Is there a character you particularly resonate with (Angus, Paul or Mary)? Why?
How do you usually handle grief? Does it depend on the type of grief you’re facing?
Are there any memories of loved ones you’d like to take with you into this holiday season?
Is there anyone you can reach out to that might be struggling with grief or loneliness this holiday season?
The Holdovers was directed by Alexander Payne and produced by Miramax and Gran Via.
-
How The Wild Robot Talks About Mental Health For Both Kids and Adults
What the Movie Beautiful Boy Teaches Us About Depression, Substance Use, and Healing
How Lilo & Stitch (2002) Helps Us Understand Grief, Change, and Belonging
Intergenerational Trauma and Depression: A Reflection of the Movie A Real Pain
Talking About Mental Health Through KPop Demon Hunters
Change and Loneliness: A Counseling Intern’s Reflections on The Banshees of Inisherin
A Maryland Counseling Intern’s Reflections on Inside Out 2’s Depiction of Anxiety
Baltimore Therapists React to Love is Blind Season 6 with Tips on Communication
Search Our Other Blogs!
Are You a Man in the Baltimore Area Who’s Interested in Online and In-Person Counseling for Grief and Loss or Loneliness?
If you’re a Marylander who knows that counseling is the direction you need to take, the therapists at LifeSpring Counseling Services are here to help. We offer online counseling services for mindfulness, depression, anxiety, trauma, and grief and loss. We also offer Brainspotting as a specialized service, and Brainspotting can be done online, too!
Here’s how you can get started! Online and in-person counseling for grief, loss, and loneliness aren’t the only services offered at our Baltimore, MD office.
The counselors and social workers at our Maryland office also offer counseling services for trauma, grief and loss, boundary setting, communication skills, and difficult life transitions. We also offer specialized counseling services including Brainspotting and spiritually-integrated counseling. Because we are located next to several local universities, we also work with college students.
Written by: Jackson Borchers, Counseling Intern at LifeSpring Counseling Services
Jackson Borchers is a Masters-Level Counseling Intern who is studying at Towson University. Jackson works with adults grappling with sadness, loneliness, isolation, and grief. As someone who is new to the Baltimore area, Jackson understands the intricacies involved in finding connection and finding your community.
