Intergenerational Trauma and Depression: A Counseling Intern’s Reflection of the Movie “A Real Pain” with Discussion Questions
NOTE: The blog below contains spoilers for A Real Pain. Please proceed with that knowledge.
“I know that my pain is unexceptional so I don’t feel the need to burden everybody with it.”
Life keeps moving despite the pain we feel everyday. We try to find ways to ignore it and numb it, but pain fills our minds and won’t let go. The 2024 film A Real Pain recognizes this struggle and hones in on the ways different people experience pain. The movie focuses on two cousins, Benji and David, who take a trip to Poland after the death of their grandmother to explore their family history and Jewish heritage. Throughout the film, you get glimpses of their mental health through discussions about depression, pain, and intergenerational trauma. I was struck by how real and vulnerable this film got, and how humanizing the mental health of these characters and their journeys felt.
Themes of depression in A Real Pain
Starting with Benji, it is evident throughout the film that Benji is struggling, despite seeming so well versed and likeable. He has this glowing personality that you can’t help but fall in love with. Yet, David seems hesitant to give into Benji’s charm, alluding to a layer that the rest of their fellow travelers cannot see. In a striking moment of the film, David reveals that Benji had recently attempted suicide and had been struggling significantly since the death of their grandmother. Although he never explicitly shares it, the pain that Benji feels resonates throughout the rest of the film after this moment.
I found the character of Benji to be interesting and complex. Benji is this over-the-top and perfect person: one that we cannot even imagine to compare ourselves to. Yet, he ignores the turmoil within. He is afraid to face reality and understand the complexities of himself, instead hiding his pain under confidence. This experience can be real for many people, especially men. It is easy to act like there is no brokenness on the inside when in reality, you’re hurting more than ever before. It’s just scary to invite people inside to see that pain.
The stigma of men’s mental health
I’ll return to Benji in a moment, but I wanted to take a moment and look at David. David, at first, seems like he’s got it together. He’s got a job, a family, the means to travel. It seems like there’s nothing negative in David’s life. It isn’t until Benji steps out of the room during a dinner scene that David finally opens up to their fellow travelers about his pain. He talks about how he finds his pain “unexceptional” and takes pills, meditates, goes to work, and comes home to ignore it so he doesn’t have to burden others. He lives with his pain and moves on, as if nothing is happening.
This scene was the most emotional for me to watch, both as a therapist and also a person. Seeing someone who is so obviously hurting feel the need to just push forward and bury his problems deep within is hard. Immediately, David tries to deflect his emotions, pointing out how the others at the table had experienced worse than him. This is a common defense strategy so many people use, but we should not feel the pressure to. It is so easy for people, especially men, to act like their emotions are not important enough to be felt. By invalidating our emotions, we are adding to the struggles we face and creating new problems to navigate. Hearing David pour out about his pain and then immediately retract it hurt me on the inside, it made me think about all the people I interact with that might also be holding in their pain.
Juxtaposing themes of depression and trauma in A Real Pain
This juxtaposition between Benji and David is most poignant after a scene where their tour visits a concentration camp. On the bus ride home, most of the tour guests, including David, seem distraught. You can tell how emotionally draining the tour was and how each traveler is processing the experience. Benji, however, is actively breaking down. He sobs on the bus, with his face in his hand. David tries to help Benji, but struggles to find a way to console his overflow of emotion.
Taking a closer look at intergenerational trauma
When looking at intergenerational trauma, both reactions can be equally as valid and distressing to an individual. Both Benji and David are living with this history of persecution, particularly having descended directly from someone who escaped the Holocaust. Benji feels the weight of his ancestors' pain. He takes on their adversity himself and lives with their history. David’s trauma, however, manifests more existentially. He looks for ways to create a better life because of the "thousands of miracles” that led to his existence. Intergenerational trauma can be difficult to understand and accept because it comes out in multiple ways, but seeing how two characters from the same family react to their trauma is a powerful way to humanize this pain.
Conclusion and Discussion Questions
A Real Pain looks at the pain we all experience and the ways we try to mediate it. Some people overcompensate with confidence and playfulness. Others push it down and ignore it. We cry, we try to find purpose in life. I loved how complex this movie was able to portray mental health. There are so many people who feel hopeless because they are either a Benji or a David, but it is important to recognize that both ways of understanding pain are real and deserve to be acknowledged.
Below, I have provided a few reflection questions for when you watch the film. I encourage you to think about these questions, and even talk about them with your counselor!
What are the things that cause you pain in your life right now?
Are you pushing down your pain in any way? Are you masking it?
Are there parts of your family history that weigh heavily on you?
Is there anyone in your life who might be holding in their pain? How could you be a support for them?
A Real Pain was directed by Jesse Eisenberg and produced by Tropic Studios, Fruit Tree, Rego Park, and Extreme Emotions.
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Written by: Jackson Borchers, Counseling Intern at LifeSpring Counseling Services
Jackson Borchers is a Masters-Level Counseling Intern who is studying at Towson University. Jackson works with adults grappling with sadness, loneliness, isolation, and grief. As someone who is new to the Baltimore area, Jackson understands the intricacies involved in finding connection and finding your community.
