How to Have Hard Conversations With Others: The Soft-Start Up Technique

Jul 11

Two Black individuals sitting across from one another and having a discussion, with one individual sitting on a grey couch next to a leafy plant. — *By Melissa Wesner, LCPC*

As a therapist, I’m often helping people take steps to initiate hard conversations with someone close to them. I often hear people delay these conversations because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, because they think someone will respond poorly, or because they’ve made an assumption about how the other person will respond. While all of these concerns are valid, avoidance of hard conversations prevents important issues from being addressed and resolved.

The Soft-Start Up Technique

One way to initiate hard conversations is with the soft-start up technique taught by John and Julie Gottman at the Gottman Institute. According to their research, "If a harsh start up is used, 96% of the time the discussion ends on a negative note." To increase the likelihood of your conversation going well, consider the soft-start up format.

Here’s the format you’ll use.

An individual's hands clasped, resting their forearms on a railing and looking at greenery.

I feel …

about …

I’d like/really appreciate...

Here’s an example: I feel really hurt about the comment you made earlier. I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t talk about my family like that.

Here’s another example: I feel really angry about the disrespectful tone of voice you used earlier. I’d really like an apology, and I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t use that tone with me again in the future.

Here are some of the benefits of using the soft start-up technique:

It provides you with an easy structure for saying hard things.
By using an “I” statement, you’re speaking for yourself and your own feelings. Nobody can argue about that.
The outcome of using a soft-start up is better than the outcome you’ll get when you initiate a conversation harshly.

Want to give the soft-start up a try?

Every day we’re faced with opportunities to communicate honestly and assertively. The next time you want to speak up, try using the soft-start up strategy. Consider teaching this strategy to your partner or someone else close to you. Try out this strategy and see how it goes. For more strategies like this, you can check out the “7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” book or workshop.

Counseling for Communication Skills & Boundary Setting
Stress-Reducing Conversations For You and Your Partner
Benefits of Having Hard Conversations With Your Therapist
Top Reasons to Have Hard Conversations With Your Therapist
The Effects of Mental Health Stigmas & How to Combat Them
How to Practice Nonviolent Communication with Your Partner
What Can You Do When You’re Having Difficulty Talking in Talk Therapy Sessions?

Search Our Other Blogs!

Interested in Counseling for Communication Skills and Boundary Setting?

If you’re a Marylander who knows that counseling is the direction you need to take, the therapists at LifeSpring Counseling Services are here to help. We offer online counseling services for mindfulness, depression, anxiety, trauma, and grief and loss. We also offer Brainspotting as a specialized service, and Brainspotting can be done online, too!

Here’s how you can get started! Online counseling for communication skills and boundary setting aren’t the only services offered at our Maryland office

The counselors and social workers at our Maryland office also offer counseling services for trauma, grief and loss, boundary setting, communication skills, and difficult life transitions. We also offer specialized counseling services including Brainspotting and spiritually-integrated counseling. Because we are located next to several local universities, we also work with college students and international students.