Helicopter Brains: How Our Minds Live to Protect Us and Keep Us From Living
Hold all ten fingers up. Put a finger down for all that currently apply or have applied to you throughout your life:
You never left the house without a jacket, sunscreen, or umbrella because someone always ensured you brought one.
You never missed an assignment, deadline, or obligation because someone reminded you.
You always knew what extracurricular activities, schools, or classes to attend because someone knew which ones were best for you.
You always followed directions someone else gave, so you never had to make any mistakes.
Decisions, opportunities, and friendships were always decided for you by someone else.
If you forgot something, someone else remembered it for you.
Starting a new task or opportunity was scary unless someone did it with you.
Nothing was private because someone always knew what was happening in your life, whether you told them or not.
Someone else planned your future, so you did not have to worry about making plans.
You put a finger down for any of these because that someone was a parent who wanted to make sure you were safe and succeeded.
As helicopter parents do, they overcontrol, micromanage, and interfere to prevent their children from making mistakes and getting hurt. Now, on some level, this is what parents do. They aim to keep their children safe so that they can continue to grow. As it is, the world is large and ever-changing, so controlling the safety of their children has become harder than ever. But, a parent deemed a “helicopter parent” is deemed so because controlling their children's lives, decisions, and conditions seems like the sole way to ensure their children can grow.
However, a child will not remember to bring a jacket if they do not experience the cold. They will not learn to prioritize their homework if they do not learn what it feels like to fail an assignment. They also will not know what it means to value success and how to view the concept of failure if they do not fall short of succeeding. That is why, in their pervasive efforts to keep their children from getting hurt or making mistakes, helicopter parents also keep them from truly living.
Now, put all ten fingers back up and try this again. Put a finger down for all that currently apply or have applied to you throughout your life:
You never left the house without a jacket because you left without one before and were cold. So, you worry about forgetting one every time after.
You never missed an assignment, deadline, or obligation because you had missed one before and felt the repercussions. So, you made sure to note everything so you didn’t have to feel the same way again.
You never knew what extracurricular activities, schools, or classes to attend because it was dangerous to make the wrong choice, so you couldn’t decide.
You always followed directions because after making a mistake, you found it unsafe to make a mistake again.
Decisions, opportunities, and friendships were always overwhelming because of the risk of rejection.
If you forgot something, you were stupid, forgetful, or other hurtful labels because you should have known better.
You struggled to or avoided starting a new task or opportunity because it was too scary to do alone.
So much of yourself became private because others would judge you if you told them who you were.
Your future is scary because you can’t control it, but you must focus on how your actions will impact you later.
You put a finger down for any of these because your mind told, showed, judged, labeled, or warned you of these risks.
As we discussed with helicopter parenting, our minds try to over-control, micromanage, and interfere in our lives every day, whether or not we notice. That is when we experience regrets about the past, fears for the future, self-labels, judgements, mental rules, and reasons—all of which aim to keep us safe from harm. Just as helicopter parents do, our minds do the same thing out of a desire to protect us in a world that can be seldom controlled.
Your mind, like a helicopter parent, is well intended, but its continual and overbearing effort can actually be as detrimental as, if not more, to your well-being. Without making mistakes, getting hurt, and experiencing pain, we do not grow. We also keep ourselves from truly living to avoid getting hurt or feeling emotional discomfort.
That is because pain is a part of life and being human.
As humans, we evolved to feel pain and learn from it. We no longer live in a society where we hunt and gather for food. We rely less on others for survival and no longer scour the land for predators. We now have the technology to deliver our groceries to our door, and our current predators look far different. However, our minds still use that inherent drive to consider these things to keep us alive. We now search for meaning and survival in other areas of our lives. We may no longer risk being exiled from our tribe, but the fear of social rejection still hurts. We experience threat responses to other stimuli that have become modern-day predators. While the world has developed and survival odds have increased, the internal drive has remained.
Our mind still protects us, even when we do not need it to protect us in the same capacity.
How to Solve Our Problem-Solving Mode
When we experience internal pain, our mind is sent into alarm mode. It detects pain, which is seen as an automatic threat to the system, so it sends us into “problem-solving mode.” But how do we solve pain?
The answer is that we don’t.
We can placate pain. We can avoid, mask, deny, distract, and intellectualize pain, but we cannot solve it. Why?
Pain is not a problem to be solved.
When we try to avoid getting hurt, making mistakes, or feeling discomfort, we are not only trying to protect ourselves. We are incidentally keeping ourselves from growing. That is why, in noting how it is trying to help us is important, we must also note that learning is to feel, and to feel is to experience both comfort and discomfort.
A child leaves the runway at some point, and their helicopter parent learns to land rather than hover, but not without growing pains. In leaving the runway, your mind will learn to land and no longer serve as a constant protector and overseer. But, it may come with growing pains of its own. These growing pains are normal. It is okay to feel discomfort because that discomfort is trying to tell you something.
Dancing with the Discomfort
Next time you notice yourself feeling an uncomfortable emotion, try having the following dialogue with yourself:
Acknowledge what you are feeling and give it a name. Call it out for what it is.
What is this feeling trying to tell you?
Where does this feeling come from?
What problem-solving urges do you notice coming up?
Will these urges solve the feeling or make it go away temporarily?
How can you grow with this feeling rather than away from it?
Ultimately, your mind is solely trying to do what it was designed to: experience and survive. It is intended to give you meaning, purpose, desire, and passion, but not without challenges. If we can drop the everlasting fight of trying to keep ourselves safe from discomfort, we can relieve our minds of its 24/7 watch post.
As a result, we can allow it to take on the other roles it is designed to fill.
-
Unmasked: How Looking Into Pain Can Help You Discover a Value in Disguise
Like an Onion: Peeling Back the Layers of Emotional Discomfort
Practicing Coping Skills Before You Need Them and Start Benefiting From Them When You Do
How to Start Acting as the Person Who You Want to Be!
Embrace Unhelpful Thoughts and Continue Focusing on What Matters Most to You!
The Power of “And”: The Art of Balancing the Dreams and Limits of Our Inner Worlds!
Search Our Other Blogs!
Interested in Online & In-Person Counseling for Depression, Trauma, or Grief & Loss?
If you’re a Marylander who knows that counseling is the direction you need to take, the therapists at LifeSpring Counseling Services are here to help. We offer online counseling services for mindfulness, depression, anxiety, trauma, and grief and loss. We also offer Brainspotting as a specialized service, and Brainspotting can be done online, too!
Here’s how you can get started! Online and in-person counseling for depression, trauma, and grief and loss aren’t the only services offered at our Monkton, MD office.
The counselors and social workers at our Maryland office also offer counseling services for trauma, grief and loss, boundary setting, communication skills, and difficult life transitions. We also offer specialized counseling services including Brainspotting and spiritually-integrated counseling. Because we are located next to several local universities, we also work with college students and international students.
Written by: Sophie Koch, LGPC
Sophie is a LifeSpring therapist who offers online and in-person counseling services to adolescents and adults (15 and up) to offer help with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, trauma, and mood disorders.
Photo Credit: Adeniji Abdullahi A and SHVETS production on Pexels
Date of download: 6/6/24
