Blindspots Are Like Broccoli in Your Teeth
Imagine the following scene. You’re in line at the grocery store, and it’s nearing your turn. You’re finally in front of the cashier who is friendly and chatty. She’s clearly in a good mood, made evident by the huge smile on her face. As you look up at her, you can’t help but notice that she has broccoli stuck in her teeth. It’s also clear that she has absolutely no idea! At that moment, you have a decision to make: Do you tell this stranger that she has a piece of food in her teeth, or do you say nothing and let her continue as she has been?
You might consider the following: If I tell her, she might feel embarrassed, and I don’t want to embarrass her. If I tell her, she might feel embarrassed, but appreciative, since she can then address the situation. You might also consider how you would like someone to respond if you were in that situation. What decision would you make in this situation? Now, whatever your answer is, I want you to hold on to that for just a minute, and keep on reading.
Behaviors & Blindspots
I’m convinced that we are regularly in situations where we are confronted with the decision about whether or not we will “call out someone’s broccoli.” You see, our off-putting behaviors are just like that broccoli. In the case above, everybody around that cashier could see the broccoli, but she could not. In the same way, others around us are able to recognize our unattractive behaviors when we cannot. Those behaviors are our blindspots. They are the behaviors that rub people the wrong way and cause friction in our relationships. Eye rolling, defensiveness, being negative or overly critical are just a few examples. In those cases, the people around us are confronted with a decision. Will they bring the unattractive behavior to our attention, so we can become aware of it and work on it, or will they simply decide to walk away and create distance in the relationship?
Decisions, Decisions!
I find that there are frequent considerations when deciding how to respond. If the unattractive behavior involves someone we don’t really know and will likely not see again, one might decide that it’s not worth the time, energy, or breath to speak up. In other cases, however, when the behavior involves a friend, family member, or coworker that we see often or have a valuable relationship with, we may decide that it’s more important to have the conversation. After all, if we don’t address the behavior, it will likely continue or cause us to stew on our feelings.
There are times, however, when people still decide not to address a behavior, even when it involves an existing relationship. Common reasons include disliking confrontation, being nervous about how the person will respond, or believing that the person will simply not change. In these cases, leaving the behavior unaddressed can often result in harbored feelings or a departure from the relationship. So...how did you respond to the broccoli scenario above? Is that response consistent with how you tend to respond in other situations involving unattractive or abrasive behaviors?
Here are some things I’d like you to think about:
How do you feel about people addressing your blindspots?
When someone “points out your broccoli,” how do you tend to respond? Do you make an effort to actively listen to this person’s observation and perspective? Do you make a positive or negative assumption about the person’s intention for bringing this to your attention? Do you appreciate people being up front and bringing concerns to your attention, or do you find the feedback too difficult to hear?
When someone else’s behavior rubs you the wrong way, how do you tend to respond?
If “pointing out the broccoli” is not your typical response, what tends to hold you back?
Things to Consider When Pointing Out Blindspots
If a relationship is important to you, then it’s likely important for you to address any behaviors that are hurtful, offensive, or interfering with the type of relationship you think you could have with that person. When we do so, however, it is important that we are calm, respectful and kind. The timing of that conversation is also important. Be sure to you “I” statements and focus on the way those behaviors make you feel. Use “I” statements to communicate how those behaviors impact you and the relationship you have with that person. You can also communicate the type of behavior you would like to see in the future. Assuming that you have made every effort to communicate honestly and respectfully, the other person’s response is not something you can control. How they respond, however, is information for you about that person and that relationship.
Some Things to Consider When You are on the Receiving End of Feedback
If you are on the receiving end of feedback, here are some recommendations:
1. Make a generous assumption about the person who is giving you feedback.
Consider the fact that this person is bringing something to your attention because they care about you and their relationship with you (unless you have information that indicates otherwise).
2. Stay calm and breathe.
Conversations that involve confrontation can be difficult. In order for the conversation to go well, it’s important for all to stay calm and regulated. Take a deep breath.
3. Actively listen and try to understand the feedback.
It can be difficult to listen to feedback, especially if we’ve hurt someone’s feelings or have done something that bothered them. It’s important to show that we care and are willing to hear them out, nonetheless.
4. Be curious and ask questions for clarification.
If you don’t quite understand or agree with the feedback, demonstrate openness, a sense of curiosity, and ask questions to help you better understand.
5. Take responsibility where you can.
You may not agree with all of the feedback. If there is a behavior that you can own and take responsibility for, it’s important that you do that.
6. Communicate gratitude & discuss moving forward.
We can communicate gratitude for someone’s willingness to be honest with us. We can acknowledge that it’s not easy to bring difficult feedback to someone’s attention. From here, discuss how to move forward in the relationship.
Improving interpersonal skills is possible!
Improving communication skills is possible too!
If you’ve had multiple people give you the same feedback, it’s really important that you listen to that feedback and make an effort to change it! If you are aware that you have difficulty with interpersonal relationships, there is help available! If you are looking to improve your ability to communicate assertively, there’s help for that too! Individual counseling is one option for addressing the issues you're having with relationships or communication. At LifeSpring, we have therapists who work with people who want to improve relationships and others who help with communication and boundary setting.
Group Therapy
An even better option for improving interpersonal skills and communication is group therapy! Group therapy provides you with the opportunity to get feedback from others in the group. It also gives you the opportunity to practice communicating assertively. The group therapist helps create a safe and trusting environment where group members understand that giving and receiving feedback is helpful to one another. In group therapy, you’ll learn new skills that you can practice both during and after the group. Not all counseling offices offer group therapy, but there are some great groups out there! We highly recommend this option for people who want to improve their interpersonal relationships or communication skills.
It’s possible that you’ll never think of broccoli in someone’s teeth in the same way again. We hope this analogy helps you understand behavioral blindspots and the importance of having someone who will point them out. May we kindly point out others’ behaviors and actively listen when others do the same for us!
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Written By: Melissa Wesner, LCPC
Photo Credit: cottonbro, Priscilla Du Preez, Luis Quintero, and Christina Morillo on Pexels and Unsplash
Date of Download: 11/11/2020
